The Journey
by EuropeanDreams
Summary: Can you have more than one love of your life? Adam will learn the answer to that question and find himself possibly back with the one person he never stopped caring about.
1. Prologue

AN: Hello everyone! So the finale has happened and naturally I have plenty of ideas of how I think next season is going to go. This is not it. I came up with this idea after watching the Chicago Justice episode. It stuck with me and just would not go away. I'll see how you all like it and go from there. Big shout out to Romantic in Denial for the encouragement! It was desperately needed. This story breaks the cardinal rule of romance writing. Never show a member of your pairing being with someone else. Well, if you are a Burzek fan and can't stand the thought...sorry. However, still give it a chance. They are my favs and this is just one way I could see some character development. Consider this first chapter a prologue and now I will let Adam speak.

* * *

The Journey

They say that life is a journey. That you make right turns and wrong turns. You'll have peaks and valleys. Good days and bad days. Basically it's a fancy way of saying that you shouldn't focus on the destination. You should enjoy the moment. That's what all the new age feel your feelings types would say. Or that's what I use to think. I think the better way to think about it is that everything we do is a learning experience. An opportunity to learn. I don't like to think about things in the idea of right or wrong. Unless you are talking about murder, rape, or the numerous crimes I have to investigate with my team every day. That's different. I'm talking about that job offer or what major to declare in college. Those numerous decisions we agonize over every day that we think are going to make such a huge change in our life. Like who to date. Who to love. Who to forgive. Who to marry. Who to have children with. The stuff that I let scare me to the point of basically making no decision. That is till I learned life's most important lesson. It's better to live with purpose and to face your fear because nothing in life is certain. Tomorrow is not a given. Rachel taught me that. She taught me how to truly love. Love without fear and without expectation. To accept that I had the capacity to love more than I ever thought possible. Even possibly love more than one person. She led me back to Kim which I know makes no sense. How could one of the true loves of my life lead me back to the one I found first? I guess I'll have to tell you.

Looking back, the break up with Kim was one of the defining moments of my life. Sure at the time I thought I was just going through one hell of a heart break with a healthy dose of wounded pride. Nothing like hearing your ex has moved on while she is testifying on the stand in a highly publicized trial. That had done it. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was done. Done holding on to a dream that was never going to happen. That's what I told myself. I quit looking for Kim at work. I quit letting the mention of her name turn my head. I turned to my work and kept my head down. I gave myself permission to quit caring. I also took a break from the game. Mouse had the best of intentions when he tried to set me up with that girl at the bar, but a part of me knew that it was the worst of ideas. My heart was not ready to be messed with again and in the end I wasn't the type to use a woman that way either. My Aunts taught me better than that. Subconsciously, I knew that my heart would never be the same. That something had to change. She had broken me. Possibly, in a way that I needed to be broken. I was done with my pattern. If I had known how different things would be, I still wouldn't change a thing. The best part of my day currently is why I am standing in this doorway waiting. Waiting to see the most precious smile in the world. The whole reason I was still able to put one foot in front of the other after everything that happened. The reason that Kim ended up coming back into my life. I can hear Isabelle's light breathing and see her black hair that already completely covers her whole head. I can't see those stunning green eyes that she inherited from Rachel since she is still deep asleep. What I'm waiting for is what happens after those eyes open up. Her smile is what gives me hope. What makes me even think that I could love again, or open my heart to loving the one person that I never really stopped loving. That I could forgive her and myself.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Hello. Anyone there? ;) I am so sorry for the delay. OMG! That move was a beast. I do not recommend having to ever sleep on an air mattress for longer than a few nights. (3 weeks. Yep, that sucked!) However, I now have furniture. Still working out the whole consistent good internet thing. Long story. Anyway. I am not sure that I will ever be able to update like I did before, but I am getting back to the whole writing thing. I have a new job and am having to slowly get back to this. Luckily I had this chapter already written and it just needed edited. I hope I still have an audience. Just a story note. As much as everyone that reads my stuff knows that I am a Burzek fan at heart they should keep in mind that this is sort of a Ruzek story. Will probably be the first time that I will attempt to do a story from one point of view. Might add some out takes from others at some point, but will have to see where my muse takes me. Just as the story is called, this is a journey. I hope you will give me the benefit of the doubt by going on it with me. Also, keep in mind that the prologue was a snap shot from somewhere in the middle of the story. I know the approximate time, but feel that I will keep that to myself for now. Gives you guys something to look forward to. Hope everyone is having an amazing summer! Happy reading.

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

And I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night  
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right  
I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire  
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight  
In this burning house

"Burning House" -Cam

 **The Past**

I can still remember the first moment I met Rachel. It had been several months since the trial and my life had fallen into as normal a routine as it could. Might be why she got past my defenses. Well, that and the fact that the first time we even talked she royally pissed me off. Al and I had followed the ambulance with the gang member we had been chasing. He had tripped and broken his leg right before we caught him. Ok. Ok. He fell from the second story as he was jumping out of the window to get away from us. I know a femur fracture is serious, but we really needed to talk to him. Making our way into the ER, I knew that I was already fuming since it had taken us a week to track this asshole down and now we would be delayed even further with finding the rest of his crew. The normal hustle and bustle of the ER was all around us as I was continuing to follow the stretcher. When Maggie cut in front of me and started to call out to the paramedics, I had to hold my tongue. Didn't need the guy dying on us because I was out of patience.

"Dr. Allen, we need you in trauma one!"

I tracked that a new doctor to Chicago Med was now already in the treatment room assisting the nurses and the paramedics with transferring the patient and getting the normal medial gibberish upon intake. It was a dance that was better taken in by watching it as a whole and focusing on one person was impossible. Well, unless you were just staring at the guy on the bed like I was. Al was patiently waiting next to me in his usual way, but I knew that he was just as anxious to talk to him. His gang had been responsible for shooting a nine-year-old girl in a retaliation hit gone bad, so needless to say the whole of CPD was ready to rain holly hell down on each and every member of that gang. Chicago had enough problems without adding something like this to the mix.

I could remember hearing that doctor saying something about rolling him into the OR and for what ever of a hundred reasons that snapped something in me.

"Hey! We need to talk to him."

The nurses were already beginning to roll the stretcher out of the room when I went to get in front of it.

"Look, Pretty boy. Get out of my way. I don't have time for your shit. He needs surgery."

She hadn't even looked at me when she said this. She just shouldered her way past me which gave her team just the space they needed to start towards the OR. I could remember standing there getting ready to follow and then feeling Al place a hand on my shoulder.

"Let's head to the waiting room. I'll let Maggie know that we aren't leaving without talking to him."

I shrugged Al's hand off my shoulder and headed to the waiting room. Pretty boy. Seriously? At the time, I didn't think that she had even looked at me. That was probably based off the fact that I had not even registered much about her at that point. I had been so focused on the jerk on the bed.

I did, however, get an eye full when she came back down a couple hours later. I had just thrown the fifth magazine I'd been glancing through on the coffee table when I looked up and saw a doctor in scrubs walking towards us. She still had her surgical hat on and was removing it as she was walking. This moment did give me pause and any anger I had felt earlier was immediately gone. I'd even take the pretty boy insult. She was average in height, but that was about all that was average. Her long black hair was coiled into a bun at the nape of her neck but several wisps had been pulled free and seemed to frame her face just right. Her light green eyes just stood out like sea glass due to the contrast with that dark hair. The eyes were what captivated me. They showed so much in that moment. She was tired and annoyed and I was the absolute last thing she was wanting to deal with in that moment. I KNEW I was the reason for the annoyance which caused me to stand to meet her halfway. I had some major damage control to do.

"Dr. Allen?"

She had balled up the surgical cap in her hand and nodded her head as she came to stand in front of me. She was tense and I could tell that she was ready for a verbal sparring match.

"I am so sorry for earlier. It's no excuse, but that guy was involved with shooting a young girl. We just want to get some information from him to help get justice."

I watched as she continued stare at me. Those eyes continued to drill holes into me till they finally softened slightly.

"I appreciate the apology. However, officer. Do not ever come into this ER and pull that shit again. Your jurisdiction stops at that treatment room door. In here I am the authority that counts. You'll be happy to know that the young man will live to answer your questions. He'll be out of it for a while. I had to put him on morphine due to the severity of the break. You can leave your card with me and I'll give you a call when he is awake and able to better answer questions."

She just stood there with her hand held out as she waited for me to hand her my card. I eventually did, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a bit dazed at her verbal lashing. It wasn't something I was used to. Normally, an apology gained me more ground. She quickly spun away from me and headed back into the bowels of the hospital. I just watched her walk away and did not even notice that Al was back at my side. He was pulling that toothpick out of his mouth as he spoke.

"What did you get hit with, Kid?"

"What?"

Al had this look of amusement on his face that I could not for the life of me understand and his chuckle was even more confusing.

"I just don't think I've ever seen you at a loss for words. I think I like her."

Al started to walk for the exit and I realized that I needed to follow. What the hell was wrong with me?

 **The Present**

I guess endings make you think about beginnings. Maybe life is a continuous cycle. Things begin and end all the time. I just didn't think that life would find it necessary to slap me in the face with it. I'm looking at my daughter clinging to life in the incubator and praying to every God or higher power that I can think of that she makes it. I need her to. I'm not sure that I can move forward or that I'll be able to survive this if she doesn't. The lights are dimmed in this area of the hospital and the ringers on the hospital phones don't work and only flash softly if they are in need of answering. The nurse explained to me that the reason for this was that for the most critical cases it could make a huge difference. I just knew that meant my daughter was fighting against the odds. I feel numb and in a state of disbelief. Isabelle isn't even supposed to be here, yet. Rachel should also be here with me. She should be right here explaining everything that is happening. I can hear light whispers behind me and a nurse comes up to tell me that someone needs to talk to me. Getting up from that chair is almost impossible. My whole body feels like trying to move a mountain. I walk out of the NICU and see Kevin and Al waiting for me. They both look like hell. I imagine that I look ten times worse. I can't look right at them because I can see the sympathy that I'm not ready to accept written all over their faces. I look down the hallway and I can make out the rest of the team in the waiting room and Kim is standing with them. I quickly bring my vision back to Kev and Al because as hard as it is to look at them Kim would be worse. She and Rachel had become uneasy friends. That is the only way I can explain it and I know that as hard as it was to do that Kim was probably beside herself now. Al gripping my shoulder speaks volumes without words and I finally find the courage to look my mentor in the eye.

"Adam. I'm sorry. It was an accident. I know that doesn't matter, but you need to know before you start trying to blame people."

An accident. Yeah. A split second took her away from me. A split second showed me in stark clarity how fragile life was. As I now stand here as a shell of my former self I can't even process it all. A tractor trailer's brakes had given out as it barreled towards an intersection. If Rachel hadn't been driving her tank of a truck, Isabelle probably wouldn't have survived. How Rachel survived as long as she did was a miracle in and of itself. Brett had told me already that Rachel's sole focus was on the baby. She had told them to save the baby. Had told them what to radio ahead to the hospital before she had passed out. She had one priority and I now had mine. I could feel myself nod towards Al and I just walked back into the NICU. There was nothing to say. I needed to be with my daughter.

I almost didn't even go to the funeral. My need to stay next to Isabelle was so strong, but Maggie kicked me out. She swore that she would not leave her side and that if anything happened that she would call me. She said that Rachel's father needed me there. I guess she was right in a way. Moral support and all that. We didn't talk much and listening to that poor man eulogize his daughter was enough to kill me. I wouldn't have been able to do it. Rachel would have told me to not even bother. "Like I would even know about it." That was Rachel. I'm not even sure what I would have said. How do you put into words how much a person left a mark on your life? How do you explain that she forced me to become a better man? How she forced me to face the demons of my life and accepted me for who I was? Even the part of me that still loved Kim. Her capacity to understand that blew my mind. That was her. She was a surgeon in every part of her life. Find the problem, analyze what needs to be fixed, and fix it. She just happened to be the medicine I needed at that time. I just don't know what I am going to do now that I don't have her.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Well, this chapter is a bit shorter than I usually write, but don't worry. Future chapters will be longer. I wanted to give y'all something since I'm a bit concerned that this computer is going to bite the dust on me as well. Ugh. I am just not having the luck with computers lately. Anyway. Thank you so much to all of you that have decided to follow or comment on this story. It is quite the departure for me and is challenging me in a way that is exciting and scary. The support is very much appreciated! Look forward to your thoughts.

* * *

Girl you're getting over him and I'm getting over her  
The eyes have it made, ain't gotta say a word  
Misery loves company, that's why it's you and me  
Buying each other drinks, back at the bar, as thick as thieves  
Stealing these little sips  
Doing our best to make the best of the worst of it

\- "Came Here to Forget" by Blake Shelton

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

 **The Past**

If I look back on our first meeting, I would assume that Rachel had absolutely no interest in me at all. No attraction. No spark. I was wrong. However, I would have had to understand that she had her own drama going on. I didn't know that she had moved to Chicago to not only take the orthopedic attending position, but to also get away from her last relationship. That she had spent the last year dealing with her own heart.

She had called Al and I as soon as the guy had woken up and was semi-coherent. She was professionally detached through the whole thing and if I had never seen her again it probably would have ended there. Seeing her at Molly's had truly been a fluke. I hadn't been there in so long due to trying to avoid Kim and Sean. I just didn't want to continue to torture myself. I'd taken to hanging out with my other friends at bars in Canaryville or where ever was not Molly's. This night Atwater had finally convinced me that I needed to celebrate with the team. We were on our second round when I noticed Rachel sitting at the bar. She was nursing a glass of whiskey on the rocks and just observing all the activity. I couldn't help it. I was a glutton for punishment. There was just something about her. Walking up to her, I knew that she was probably going to turn me away. She had that aura going. You know the one women put out that says I do not want company. I'm here to drink and I am perfectly capable of doing that without you. I guess I just figured that I had absolutely nothing to lose at that point.

"Do you come here often because I do not recall ever seeing you here before?"

The death glare that I was getting as she began to turn towards me confirmed what I suspected, but then something changed. I like to think that she saw it was me and decided to take pity on me. The spark that came to her eyes should have told me that she was just looking forward to being entertained for a minute.

"Tell me. Does that line ever work for you guys? Because I honestly cannot see where it would."

I actually had to think back to what I had said. I'm sure the embarrassment was written all over my face.

"I swear I did not mean for that to come out that way. What I meant was that this is kind of known as a firefighter bar and most of the docs that do come in here usually come with Dr. Halstead."

"Oh, so does that mean that I need an invitation?"

"No. That's not what…"

The smile that was on her face gave her away as well as the light in her eyes. She was enjoying this as my ego felt like it was deflating like a balloon.

"Your messing with me. Ok. I understand. If you want to be alone, I can go."

Her laugh is what caused me to pause before getting up off the barstool and bolstered that bruised ego. Her hand went to my forearm to stop me from moving further and I was surprised by her response.

"You don't have to go. You're right. I was messing with you. It was just too easy. Sorry. By the way, you can call me Rachel. If you call me Dr. Allen in here, then I'll ask you to leave."

She never asked me to leave. I can remember talking with her about so much that night. The gangbanger she had operated on and how she knew she would probably see him again. About her upbringing in South Carolina which I found out about after she had a few of those whiskeys and her accent finally made itself known. She pulled stuff out of me as well. I told her about the unit and growing up in Chicago. It was all the getting to know you stuff that you always go through. Hailing her a cab that night, I knew I could count her as a friend. As she got in, she shook my hand and I found her number on a slip of paper. I knew that something was starting. I just had no idea what.

* * *

 **The Present**

My little girl was going to make it. She would be coming home tomorrow. The sweetest words I could ever hear. I was just making my way out of the NICU, so I could call Rachel's Dad with the news. He needed to hear something good as much as I had. When I walked out, I saw Kim standing there with a couple bags in her hands. The unit had been taking turns bringing me food and a change of clothes at the hospital. Normally, the NICU had very strict visiting hours, but they had basically thrown those out the window with me. I even had a bunk in the doctor's lounge to use. They had taken me in as family and I would never be able to repay that. This was the first time that Kim had been the one waiting on me. I can remember seeing her at the funeral, but we hadn't spoken since. Not that there had been any opportunity. I pocketed my phone and made my way over to her. She held the bags out to me and I could tell that she was searching for words. Her eyes were watery and I knew I couldn't handle seeing her cry.

"Isabelle is going to be coming home tomorrow."

The smile that spread across Kim's face was as genuine and heartwarming as one could be.

"Really?! That's great news. I'm so happy for you. Do you need us to do anything for you? The unit got caught up on a case which is why I'm here, but I'm sure if you need anything we can take care of it."

Now that I actually thought about it. I needed quite a bit. The nursery was set up, and the car seat was already in my truck, but some supplies were going to need to be bought.

"I mean I was just thinking that maybe you hadn't bought diapers and stuff like that."

"Yeah. I.. I haven't. If it's not too much…"

Kim waved me off quickly.

"Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. Do you want me to leave it in your truck or drop them off here?"

Kim took care of it and I gave her my key to the apartment to drop everything off. I should have thought things through more. I hadn't really been back there since before the accident. It had really been Rachel's condo, but we had tried to make it ours. As I set Isabelle's carrier down on the kitchen island the following day and took in my surroundings, it hit me like a freight train. Rachel was gone and I would be taking care of our daughter on my own. Thank God Isabelle was sleeping because that breakdown was long overdue and inevitable. As I pulled myself together, I knew one thing was true. Isabelle and I were not spending a single night in this place. There were too many ghosts. Too many reminders. Packing up enough to last us for a few days took longer than I would have expected, but that purpose also got me through it. Isabelle slept through the whole thing.

As I drove away from the building, I had no idea where I was going. I just drove. I should have known where I would end up. I left the city and headed out. Away. When I finally pulled up to my Aunt and Uncle's lake house, it was dark but the front porch light was on. I placed the truck into park and as I got out I could see my Aunt coming to stand out on the porch. I swear that woman has a sixth sense. It was like she knew I was coming. I started to get Isabelle out of the back seat and I could hear her footsteps on the gravel as she came to meet me. Shutting the door and turning to see her standing there was the moment I probably felt at my weakest. Aunt Carol reached up and placed her hand on my cheek.

"Oh sweetie. You can stay as long as you need to."

I could feel my aunt's hand reach for Isabelle's carrier and I strengthened my grip on the handle.

"I've got her."

"Ok, honey. Go ahead in. I'll get your uncle to grab your bags."

I did as I was told at that point. It was time to reset and go back to the only place that I felt was a true home.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I've been on a bit of a roll this weekend, so I figured why not. I'll post another chapter. I'll warn you ahead of time that Kim is not in this chapter. I said this was an Adam story and that will happen occasionally. Not often, but it will some in the beginning. I still hope that you all will stick with me. I also hope that I am fleshing out Rachel enough to make her interesting and worth the read. Happy reading!

* * *

You watch me bleed until I can't breathe  
I'm shaking falling onto my knees  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches  
I'm tripping over myself  
I'm aching begging you to come help  
And now that I'm without your kisses  
I'll be needing stitches

"Stitches" – Shawn Mendes

 **The Past**

If you think that Rachel giving me her number meant game on, you would be sorely mistaken. Nothing happened like it normally did with Rachel. Our whole relationship was a slow build till it wasn't. It was getting into a routine of hanging out at Molly's when we would both get off a shift and see each other there. It was texting back and forth on stupid stuff that would happen during the day and seeing if the other one would respond. It was all so tentative and yet not. It was testing the waters and pushing the other one to find boundaries. You might see similarities with Kim, but it really wasn't the same. I didn't have that comfort zone with Rachel that I had with Kim since we worked together.

I felt like I was constantly fluctuating between Rachel's professional demeanor and her laid back teasing at Molly's. Part of that was due to the recent increase in my trips to Chicago Med. Not sure why, but the universe decided that about half of our cases required a trip there. However, it was the one that I actually didn't have to go there that changed things.

It was completely unrelated to the main part of the case, but equally important. We were investigating this complete waste of a human for trafficking underage girls in and out of the city and it just so happened that he also had his own family. A family that included a young boy. When we went to arrest the guy, his son just did not seem right. He was under weight and he had bruises that to me looked an awful lot like hand prints. The kid was now sitting in our coffee room with a lady from child services. The woman had said that the child needed to be seen by a doctor to help document his injuries, but that they were backed up at the clinic. Voight was fuming.

"We need to keep this guy in custody. That boy will not go back into that household. We need to get him seen."

I took a breath and spoke up.

"I bet Rachel would stop by. She should be off shift soon. Or she might be able to tell me when Dr. Manning could stop in."

"Make it happen."

Voight left and I started to try and text Rachel. I could see Atwater turning towards me from his desk.

"Rachel, huh?"

I paused mid text and looked up at my friend.

"Shut up."

"I think you are supposed to refer to them as Doctor even if they are your friend."

"Shut up, Kev."

"What's going on there? You haven't really elaborated."

"Nothing."

"Doesn't seem like nothing."

I ignored Kev's teasing for the rest of the day. It was none of his business. Since Dr. Manning was stuck at the hospital, Rachel volunteered to come to the precinct and see the boy. She was gentle with him and the boy seemed to warm up to her quickly. As she stepped out of the break room, she made eye contact with me briefly before pulling her phone out and making a call. I watched as she paced a bit while talking to someone. When she had hung up, she made her way to me.

"Do you have a computer that I can use? I need to look at his medical records."

"Of course. How have you gotten those?"

"He knows who his pediatrician is. Kids are much more observant than parents think they are."

I took her over to my desk and let her do what she needed to do. I was amazed at what she was able to accomplish for that boy in such a short period of time. She had the records sent to her email and once she had looked them over, she gave us a copy.

"Just back date all the request forms. I know for a fact that the hospital will not care. Just get him out of that home."

I can remember seeing the pain in Rachel's eyes and knowing that the case had really affected her. I reassured her that we would make sure that happened.

* * *

Seeing her at Molly's that night was a relief for me. I needed her company that night as much as she did. She would end up telling me later that her morning prior to that had been full of cases that just wore her out in the 'quit whining your life is not that bad' kind of way and to see that boy just drove that point home even more. He was innocent and did not deserve the hand that life had dealt him. It was the thing that was eating at me. It was why I didn't want to hang with the unit that night. I needed someone that would understand why I wasn't in the mood to party, but also someone that hadn't been by my side through the whole thing. Rachel was it. Her small smile as she went to take a sip of her drink confused me. Till she explained.

"You know what's amazing?"

I shook my head cause for the life of me I could not think of anything that night to make myself happy. Not even the burn of the whiskey we were drinking was having much effect on me.

"He was so excited to know that I knew what Pokémon Go was. You should have seen his eyes light up when I told him that my building was close to one of those gyms. You would have thought I had given him an ice cream cone. It really amazes me how resilient kids are. How they can just forget all their troubles in that split second that they find something that makes them happy. I wish as adults that we could keep some of that."

"Yeah. That would be nice."

Seeing her smile back at me in that moment caused something to click for me. I knew that she got where I was coming from. I also knew in that moment the reason I had kept contacting her. I had finally found someone that I was willing to take a risk on. I set my glass down and knew what I was wanting to do, but also feeling that it wasn't the time. Rachel finished her glass and threw a couple of bills on the counter to pay for the drink.

"I really need to get going. Early day. Would you walk me out?"

I nodded. It was our routine, but this time felt different. I knew that I needed to change the dance. Walking with her to the cab stand just made my body tense up all the more as the anticipation of what I was going to do kept mounting. Rachel was just opening the door to the back of the cab and getting ready to turn back to me to say goodnight when I cleared my throat. She looked back to me and waited to see what I wanted. I could feel that I was barely making eye contact with her, but I just needed an out if this went south.

"What do you think about dinner?"

Her lack of response caused me to make eye contact and I could see the amusement in her eyes.

"In general, I find it necessary to keep me from getting hangry and biting people's heads off, but I suspect that is not what you meant."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I had walked right into that one.

"I meant would you like to have dinner? Saturday?"

Her smile was the sweetest thing as she responded and then got in the cab.

"I'd love to. I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to ask."

I watched that cab pull away and couldn't help the smile that came to my face. I was really doing this. I was taking the leap. God help me.

* * *

 **The Present**

Yeah. God help me. I'm cradling a crying Isabelle in my arms and praying for any kind of help I can get. Please don't wake Aunt Carol. I really don't want her to know how truly unprepared I am for this responsibility. However, I should have known that she would be the one person in my life that would never judge me.

"Oh man. I remember those days. Your cousin Riley wouldn't calm down for anything. I thought I was the worst mother in the world that I just didn't automatically know how to sooth him. You'll figure it out."

She would find me in the middle of the night and just be there. She wouldn't offer to take Isabelle unless I asked. She knew that I was needing to do this myself. Or at least try.

"Adam, don't take it personally. She's grieving too. She just doesn't have the words yet to tell you that. Give it time."

She was right. I figured it out. Rocking and not bouncing helped. Making sure she was placed against my heart seemed to help when she was just cranky and not needing any of the other basic needs. The first time seeing her calm back into sleep quickly was the sweetest form of relief.

It was after a month or so that my Aunt finally decided that she needed to nudge me. I guess she had noticed some things. Like the fact that I was focusing solely on my daughter and not dealing with myself. Or the hundred or so texts and phone calls that were piling up on my phone. I'd basically quit carrying the thing and had left it on the dresser in my room. I just couldn't look at it. I knew who was calling and I knew what they all wanted. To know if I was coming back. To know if I was ok. That last one was a stupid thing to even ask.

"Honey, they aren't going to stop. At least not yet. And I really don't think you want them to."

I looked up from the rocking chair I was sitting in to see my Aunt holding my phone. It was ringing and Atwater's name and face had lit up the screen. I turned away and just shook my head.

"Adam. You know that I am in no way trying to get rid of you. You have every right to take all the time in the world to deal with this in the way you want, but don't you think that it might be easier if you tried leaning on the people that have meant the most to you."

Part of me wanted to tell her that she just didn't understand. I, of course, knew better but when you are hurting you just aren't rational.

"They remind me too much of her."

"Adam. You are going to have a living breathing reminder of her for the rest of your life if you are lucky. That isn't going to change."

Thanks, Aunt Carol. Just rip the band aid of denial right off.

"What am I supposed to say? That I don't know what I am going to do. That I'm a wreck and I'm not sure I can even do the job anymore. Or that I want to. That it is taking everything in me just to take care of Isabelle?"

My Aunt smiled and held out the phone to me.

"It's a start. I honestly think that each and every one of them just wants to hear your voice."

I took the phone from her and she left me on the front porch with the baby monitor sitting next to me. I looked down at that most recent missed call and began to play a game with myself. Did I dare open that door again? Was I up for it? I could hear Rachel's voice in my head. "I never back down from a good challenge. That's what life is all about." I closed my eyes as the memory burned with the bittersweet reality of my situation. Rachel would hate this. She would actually kick my ass if she knew what I was doing. In that one moment, I swiped the notification to the right and brought the phone to my ear and waited to hear Atwater's voice.

"Bro, thank God! Are you there? Talk to me, Man."

I swallowed and promised myself that I would do this for Rachel. And for myself.

"Yeah, I'm here. What's up?"


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Short chapter. However, you know by now what that typically means for the next chapter. Kim is in this one. Sort of. You'll see. I so appreciate the reviews and continue to look forward to what y'all have to say.

* * *

It's different for girls when their hearts get broke  
They can't tape it back together with a whiskey and Coke  
They don't take someone home and act like it's nothing  
They can't just switch it off every time they feel something  
A guy gets drunk with his friends and he might hook up  
Fast forward through the pain, pushing back when the tears come on  
But it's different for girls

"Different for Girls" – Dierks Bentley

* * *

 **The Past**

"So you said something about thinking that I was never going to ask you to dinner. Just a thought, but why didn't you ask me?"

I had to get her back. I mean come on. She had taken every opportunity to put me on the spot for stuff I say. I couldn't let her off the hook with that one. I went to take a sip of my wine as I watched her mull over her response. Rachel's hair was actually down for a change and I was enjoying this one moment of being able to admire it without her noticing. She was more focused on contemplating what to say to me than on what I was doing.

"You want the truth, or are you just enjoying trying to put me on the spot?"

Or maybe she was paying attention more than I thought.

"How about a little of both?"

Her raised eyebrow told me that she was amused with my response but only to a point. I should have just laughed it off and moved the conversation on to something else, but I just continued to stare her down. I learned quickly to not challenge Dr. Rachel Allen.

"Ok, Adam. You want to know why I didn't ask you out. I'll tell you. I knew you weren't ready."

"What do you mean I wasn't ready?"

"Sorry, but you were obviously still gun shy and just no. Not going there."

This honestly shocked me. I thought I had played things pretty cool. Her ironic laugh brought me out of my thought.

"Come on. You can't tell me you hadn't been getting over a break up. I know that look."

"You do? Really?"

"Yeah. Cause I was to. Takes one to know one."

Well, damn. I knew I was fidgeting at that point. No one likes to be read that well. Or at least about something that personal. I looked away and tried to figure some way out of this conversation. Some way to crack a joke and move on, but my mind just was not that fast.

"Hey. Don't worry about it. I'm not asking to trade sob stories. Not yet anyway. That would make for a horrible first date and as I recall I believe that is a first date don't. So how about you tell me about the academy. I'm sure there are plenty of stories to be told from that."

I huffed out a laugh at that and took the out she gave me. However, I should have realized that I had basically begun something with a girl that wasn't going to let me get away with anything. And if I was going to stick things out. I was going to have to get use to that.

* * *

 **The present**

Man, Atwater can be a bug when he wants to be. I swear once I answered that phone for the first time it was like the man did not know how to leave me alone. He saw the crack and he made the most of it. He even got his Momma involved. If I didn't send them a new pic of Isabelle every day, I got in trouble with Momma. No one wants to be in trouble with Momma. However, it was all that bugging that finally got me to fully face reality. I actually missed the unit and work. I missed Chicago and all the hustle and bustle that the city provides. The lake was peaceful and quiet and I had just about had my fill. However, there was one big problem. Where in the world were we going to live? Atwater offered to move my stuff and Isabelle's nursery anywhere I wanted to go, but I couldn't ask that. I finally came to a realization. Running from that apartment was pointless. I was going to have to face it…but I wasn't going to be stupid about it. I knew I couldn't look at her things. I'm not talking about furniture or anything like that. It was all the little stuff. The prescription pads, her stethoscope, and all that stuff that people clutter their places with that makes it theirs. I did ask Atwater to clean that out and box it up and stash it somewhere that I couldn't find. I wasn't ready to part with it, but I also didn't want to wallow in it.

I won't kid you. That first night was rough and not just for me. Isabelle was not at all happy about being in a new place that first night. I'm not sure I got a lick of sleep or that she did, but we got through it. That second night I could almost see the moment that my beautiful daughter decided that she was just going to give up the fight. She looked at me with those light eyes all rounded and wet with tears and when I gently rubbed her cheek she finally yawned. She was done for now. I got her settled in her crib and left the door propped open even as I carried my phone with me out to the living room. I checked my phone's screen and made sure that the monitor was working and headed over to the window. I have lost track of the number of times that I just stood in this very spot and watched the city go by. It used to be soothing to me to see all that activity and be able to just take it all in. It was nice to know that it still had that power over me.

I gave myself about five minutes before I headed to the fridge to get something to eat. Atwater had basically stocked my fridge for a month with numerous boxes of meals that he said people had thrown together for me. I picked a random box and heated it in the microwave. I wasn't paying attention. I grabbed a fork and the box once the microwave dinged. I stuck the fork in and brought the food to my mouth and once it was in there was when I actually paid attention. It was good. Really good. Lasagna. I walked back to the kitchen island and glanced at the lid. I knew that handwriting. Kim. I swallowed the food and looked down at it. She didn't have to do this. I knew what it was. It was a way to show that she cared enough as a friend to find a way to support me without showing up or trying to call. She knew I wasn't ready for that and we didn't really have that close of a relationship anymore. That meant a lot. I picked the container back up and headed back to the window. I watched the city and ate my dinner. I let myself for one moment just be.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Well, if I haven't made you hate this story yet. Lets see if this chapter does it. Let me clarify that this story will move more towards Burzek in a few chapters, but there was a lot of backstory that I wanted to get out. I do this little game where I try to think what might be the hardest thing to watch for my preferred couple and go with it. That is this story. I am also dealing with what I suspect will be a lack of the show dealing with the situation they created. Who knows. They could surprise me, but the fact that they basically had Ruzek and Roman burying the hatchet in the last episode without much context doesn't leave me with a ton of faith. I forsee if we do get Burzek back that it will be due to something like Ruzek and Platt getting stuck in an elevator thinking they are going to plummet to their deaths and they both spilling secrets. Of course, Platt would have her phone on or her radio stuck open and Burgess would hear all. Maybe I should write that. Hmmm...maybe.

* * *

She don't throw any t-shirt on and walk to a bar  
She don't text her friends and say, I gotta get laid tonight  
She don't say, it's okay, I never loved him anyway  
She don't scroll through her phone just looking for a Band-Aid

"Different for Girls" – Dierks Bentley

* * *

 **The Past**

You would think that having a first date that was a bit awkward would bother me. It didn't. It actually encouraged me. For once, it wasn't about being suave or good with the ladies. It wasn't about trying to be someone that I wasn't just to get to that second date. Something that I hadn't realized up to that point or even as it was happening, was that I was done with the bullshit. I was done with just trying to make the person I was with happy. Didn't mean that I didn't care. I just wasn't trying to act like everything was okay. The fact that Rachel seemed to like that or that it just worked for her was probably why we continued seeing each other. Our schedules were difficult at times to coordinate, but some how two months went by and we were still together. Or seeing each other. We hadn't had that conversation at this point. Hadn't defined what we were and I sure as hell was not advertising what was going on in my personal life at work. I was happy having everyone believe that I wasn't seeing anyone. Or I was up until Rachel called me one day at work and told me that her ex, Derrick, was wanting to meet with her and that she had told him she would see him at Molly's.

"I just don't want you to show up at Molly's tonight and see me with him and wonder what was going on. I know we aren't exclusive or anything, but I like you Adam. And I think that you deserve to know. I'm honestly not looking forward to this and if I could get out of it I would. I could punch Dr. Rhodes for giving him my number at that conference. I had no idea he was even in Chicago."

I appreciated the fact that she told me. I really did and I played it off like it was no big deal. It was a big deal. It irked me that she even decided she wanted to see an ex. I mean if she didn't want to do it why did she feel she had to? That was the thought that kept going through my mind all day. So when I showed up to Molly's that night to have a drink with Atwater and Mouse, I was trying to fall back on old habits. Trying to make myself seem happy.

"What's wrong, Man? You're like burning holes into that guy that's with Dr. Allen. You got the hots for her or something?"

I was apparently doing a piss poor job of fooling anyone if Mouse was picking up on things.

"Nah, Dawg. He and 'Rachel' are just friends. Nothing going on there."

Did Kev really just use air quotes? Not that the sarcasm wasn't just dripping all over his words. It just felt like over kill.

"You guys are both assholes."

Atwater and Mouse just laughed. They seemed to fully enjoy my discomfort. Rachel looked like she was in my boat. Her forehead was strained in a way that I had never seen. She was stirring her drink like she was praying the thing would magically transport her somewhere. I wondered if I was just making that up, but then she did something that told me she was annoyed and pissed off. She bit her lip and rolled her eyes. I'd seen her do it before at a guy who was just not taking no for an answer one night. That guy almost left Molly's with a black eye. I decided that I would do the guy a favor and save him from himself. I got up from the table and completely ignored Mouse and Kevin as they made some comment or other about if I was getting another round. I made my way over to where they were seated and placed my hand on the back of Rachel's chair.

"Hey, Rachel. How's it going? Rough day?"

She looked up at me with a mix of relief and shock. She then shook her head with a smile that she was doing a really bad job of concealing.

"Um. Excuse me but we were talking."

I finally got my first look at this Derrick. The guy looked like a class A jerk. You know, the ones. Good looking, smart and they know it. He wore the fact that he was a doctor like it was a badge of honor that everyone should bow down to. I also guarantee you he was the type that had a God complex. Or that could have been the territorial side of me just painting the guy with the brush of my choice. In the end, who cares. The dude knew perfectly well that I could have cared less that he was talking at Rachel.

"Really? Is that right? Didn't look like she was doing much talking. Let me give you a lesson on talking…"

Rachel was now just watching this interaction like she was going to enjoy the show. She had this small smirk on her face and she was resting her chin on her hand. I swear that girl would have accepted popcorn to snack on if you would have offered it.

"I think I know how to have a conversation with my girlfriend."

That statement actually made me laugh out loud because Rachel no longer found this amusing. Her smile had completely disappeared and she now looked like murder was a good option.

"Look, buddy. Let me let you in on a little secret. She's not your girlfriend. Not anymore. I know that for a fact. And to save you from her…I'm going to get her out of here."

I didn't wait for his reaction. I just took her hand and pulled her out of there after me. It was an alpha male move, but I figured the only person I really had to worry about offending was the woman whose hand was currently still clasped in mine. We were about a block away from the bar when she finally pulled her hand free. I turned back to look at her and she had crossed her arms in front of her.

"Feeling cavemanish, are we? Completely okay with me having a drink with my ex, huh?"

I was aware that I was going to have to choose my words carefully. Or just tell the truth.

"It bothered me."

Her eye brows rose up towards her hair line and the twinkle in her eyes made them sparkle.

"Really. You don't say? Next time why don't you make it really obvious and club me over the head and drag me out by my hair."

"Sorry. You just looked like you were needing an out."

"Oh, I'm not denying that. Was that the only way you could come up with to make that happen?"

She was laughing by now. Almost to the point of tears. She took a deep breath and shook her head.

"Sorry, you just should have seen his face. Wow. I actually kind of feel bad for him."

"Why?"

"Because he actually thought he could show up here tonight and get me back." Her laugh now lacked the humor that was in it before. "He truly is a narcissist. He really thought that I would be so happy to know that he was actually looking at transferring to Chicago Med. God, he is truly clueless."

By now, Rachel had made her way to her car and was leaning up against the side of it. I hadn't even realized that she was parked this way. Normally, I would have been the type to see if she wanted to hit another bar and just let the alcohol do its thing to gloss over this night. However, something in me knew it was the wrong move.

"What happened with you guys?"

Rachel's eyes flew up to look into mine. She took a breath and huffed.

"Life. I don't know. He got a job offer in a different city and he took it. Really if I'm honest we had been drifting apart before he left. He's a cardio thoracic surgeon. Like Dr. Rhodes. He was living and breathing that as I was doing the same in orthopedics. He got this great opportunity in Boston and he didn't even think to tell me before he accepted it. I would have told him to take it. If he had asked. Even if it had meant that we would have been long distance for a while. It was the fact that he didn't even include me in the decision. It was like the whole two years we had been together meant nothing. It also didn't help that he immediately began dating someone else when he got to Boston... problem with having mutual friends. His fellowship is over now and he is looking at hospitals that have openings. He actually used the words pick up where we left off. I really don't think I have ever been that insulted in my life."

I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. It hit me right in the gut. Some of it was too close to home.

"I'm so sorry."

Rachel smiled up at me and shook her head.

"Don't be. I don't regret the relationship. Even dealing with this tonight. I met with him so I could know something."

"What's that?"

"That a part of me will always love him, but that I'm not in love with him anymore. We supported each other through some of the hardest times in our lives and I will always be grateful for that. I'm a different person now. I'm stronger. And it's okay to admit that without him I wouldn't know that. But that also doesn't mean that I want to have anything to do with him now. And that's okay, too."

I truly did not know how to deal with this woman. She was almost too much.

"Wow, I really don't think I'm there yet."

Rachel nodded her head.

"I'm not saying I don't have my moments, but I guess my current company makes it easier to be positive."

I could smile at that. I was finally thinking that maybe another bar was a good idea, but Rachel had other plans.

"So what do you mean that you are not there, yet? Still holding onto animosity or what?"

Ugh. She asked. A part of me wanted to hide this. Wanted to brush it under the rug and pretend it wasn't there.

"You don't want to know."

"Actually, I do. If you think I haven't heard some things about you at the hospital, you are mistaken."

That brought my attention fully on her.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Calm down. I'm just saying that some of my colleagues may have warned me that if we stayed together that I might want to be prepared to get engaged, but that I would be joining a very long list."

"Really?!"

"I told them that they had absolutely nothing to worry about since I don't believe in marriage, so what the hell."

"You're joking, right?"

"No, I'm not. About any of it."

I was pissed. Really pissed. I knew who was probably flapping their gums about it. Halstead. Would be the only doctor I could think of that would be that knowledgeable and concerned about it in the least. We would be having a conversation.

"You really don't believe in marriage? Like really?"

"That it exists? Of course it does. My parents were married for 30 years. It exists. I just don't know that I need a piece of paper to hold someone to me. They can still leave. I'd rather have someone show up every day. I'd rather someone actually be with me than stand up in front of our friends and family and make promises that they might not be able to keep. Life happens. But we weren't really talking about me or my feelings. You're dodging."

I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to completely spill my guts to someone I had only been seeing for two months. However, after everything that she had told me I felt obligated to say something.

"I've been engaged three times. The first time barely even counts. The second was serious, but I changed and she didn't. The third time…it just all blew up in my face."

Rachel's eyes were looking at me in a way that I knew she could see that I was still hiding, but that I had actually admitted quite a bit.

"The last one was the one that truly hurt."

She hit the nail on the head in one try.

"Yes."

"Ok. You'll tell me when you are ready. You look like you could use another drink. Know any bars nearby that don't hold our pasts in them?"

I thought she would never ask.

 **The present**

Please don't ask me. That was the thought going through my head as I was heading up the walk to Atwater's. His mother had volunteered to help with watching Isabelle when I went back to work. Between her and my father, I was pretty sure that I could have things covered. I was nervous. Wasn't sure about any of the decisions that I had been making lately. What pediatrician to use? Whether going back to the unit was a good idea? Should I just switch to patrol or take the detective's exam and transfer to homicide? Isabelle was making me second guess everything. For now, I figured I needed to get back to as close too normal as I could. As normal as you can, when you add a newborn to the mix. Yeah, I was kidding myself.

What I wasn't kidding myself about was how hard I knew this first day was going to be. Not just dealing with people at work. That would be hard, but being away from Isabelle for the first time. I hoped that she would handle my absence okay and at the same time hoped that she would miss me. Strange thought. But there were two things that I didn't want people to ask me. Was I nervous or if I was okay? I didn't need to add to all my doubts by having people question how I was doing.

I rang the doorbell and waited. I looked down at my daughter whose eyes seemed to be looking to me for answers as to what I thought I was doing.

"I don't know darling. I really don't. I hope you can handle that for a while."

She of course just stared back. Kevin swung the door open and the biggest grin spread across his face. He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around me to slap my back.

"God, Man. It's good to finally see you. Don't mind when my Mom says that you are too skinny. She says that to everyone. Don't take it personally. Get in here, Dawg."

I followed him in and when we got to the living room I set Isabelle's carrier down on the coffee table. His little sister was in the process of eating a bowl of cereal as she was watching tv. I could hear Kevin's two brothers carrying on in the back as his mother was yelling at them to hurry up or they were going to be late for school. I unbuckled Isabelle from her carrier and lifted her out. Her big eyes just began to scan the room. She was taking everything in and I could see the uncertainty in them. Atwater made his way over to see her in person for the first time.

"Well isn't she just the cutest thing. You sure she's yours?"

"Fairly certain."

"Good thing she got her momma's looks. Can I hold her before my Mom gets her hands on her? She'll never let go at that point. She loves babies."

I figured I had better get used to other people wanting to hold her. I handed her over to Atwater and waited to see how Isabelle reacted. The uncertainty came back to her eyes but only for a split second. Then the biggest smile came to her face.

"Look at that. Ladies love me."

"Yeah, sure. Keeping in mind that she doesn't talk yet. You sure your Mom is okay with doing this?"

I had barely gotten the question out when Kevin's brothers came barreling into the room and his mother was hot on their heels.

"Backpacks! Oh My! Please tell me that is my baby Belle. Oooooh. Kevin hand her over."

Kevin raised his eyebrow to tell me that he had told me so and that my last question was the dumbest one ever. Momma Atwater quickly took Isabelle out of Kevin's hands and she had my girl cooing so quickly I knew that she would be ok. I took the backpack off my shoulder that I had basically turned into a diaper bag. It worked and was frankly more manly than the one Rachel had planned on using.

"Ok, you boys get out of here. Kevin make sure they behave themselves."

I had offered to drive Kevin to work and his brothers to school in exchange for his mother's help. Figured it was the least I could do and she wouldn't take anything else.

Getting to work, I could feel my nerves come back online. It was going to be my first time setting foot in the doors since the accident. Platt had been gracious enough to drop paperwork at my apartment or email what needed to be completed when it came to my absence. I wasn't sure I was ready to see everyone, but at least I wasn't walking in alone. Kevin held back and waited for me to gather my strength. He didn't say a word but I knew that was what he was doing. I finally began to put one foot in front of the other and made my way through the front door. I felt the stares and could hear the whispers. I ignored them and just headed towards the gate. I paused and placed my palm on the scanner. Keying in my code felt about as foreign as it could. Apparently, the keypad agreed. I heard the bad buzz that told me my code had been rejected. Great. That told me how long I had been gone. Kevin chuckled and waved at Platt. I could hear her clicking on her keypad and then the good buzz sounded. I looked at Kevin and he started laughing.

"You did that on purpose."

"Had to mess with you. Couldn't have you thinking we didn't care."

"Hilarious. You are all comedians."

I knew they could hear me upstairs because of the laughter. Antonio and Jay were getting way too much of a kick out of that. I took the stairs two at a time and immediately punched Jay in the shoulder. He wrapped me up in the typical man hug and Antonio followed.

"Good to have you back, Ruzek. Been too damn quiet around here."

"Thanks. I'm here to make as much noise as ya'll want."

"Not too much, Kid."

I turned to see Olinsky stepping out of his cubbie and I felt it then. I was home. I was meant to come back here.

"Ruzek."

Voight was standing in his doorway and waved me over. I headed to his office and shut the door behind me since Voight signaled that he wanted me to.

"Have a seat. I'm not going to ask you how you are doing. What I am going to do is ask you to ride the desk for a few days."

"Sarg…"

Voight held up his hand stopping my protest.

"This isn't a debate. It's your first day back. I know you want to hop back in and pretend like everything is normal. Nobody here knows what you went through. But I have an idea. Give it time. Okay. Just a few days."

I would be lying if I said that he hadn't burst my bubble a bit, but at the same time it was a relief. He was giving me time to know that I would be ready for when the shit really hit the fan. Let's be honest. It always does in this unit. So, I did the desk work. I helped Mouse catalogue, search, and whatever else could be accomplished while stuck inside the district. One of those tasks is why I ran into Kim. I came around a corner heading down to the evidence locker and there she was. She was smiling at something that her partner had said and it just froze on her face as she saw me.

"Adam. You're back."

Her partner excused herself and walked by me. I guess she knew who I was.

"Yeah. I'm back."

"How's Belle doing?"

"Belle?"

"Sorry. Kevin's mom. She calls her that all the time. How is Isabelle doing?"

I wasn't sure how to handle that my daughter had been given a nickname already without my knowledge, but I guess that is how those things work. I also wasn't sure how I felt about Kim using it. I was just going to have to let that one go for now.

"She's good. How have you been?"

"Great! Really. You headed to evidence?"

"Yeah."

"Watch out for Sgt. Waters today. He's in a mood because his wife took him off carbs again. I wish that lady would stop that. She just makes all of us miserable. Welcome back."

I watched Kim go and felt some of my tension go away. I had done it. I'd faced just about everyone that I care about or even spent a second thinking about. It wasn't easy, but I just might be able to make it.

* * *

Post AN: You will love and hate the next chapter as a Burzek fan. Fair warning.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Well, can't say that I didn't warn you about the love hate thing in this chapter. I may have a Kim outtake for the second half. I'll have to proofread it and see what I think. Thank you so much for all the views! I was honestly thinking about abandoning this story. I've got most of it written at this point and it just seemed a shame to not post it. Hope you are still enjoying the journey!

* * *

Honey load up your questions  
And pick up your sticks and your stones  
And pretend I'm a shelter for heartaches  
That don't have a home  
Choose the words that cut like a razor  
And all that I'll say

Is fire away  
Take your best shot  
Show me what you got  
Honey, I'm not afraid  
Rear back and take aim  
And fire away

"Fire Away" – Chris Stapleton

* * *

 **Chapter 6**

 **The Past**

That conversation with Rachel by her car that night stuck with me. I mulled it over more times than I could count. Was I still really mad at Kim? No. Mad wasn't the emotion anymore. Sad. Disappointed. Those were more accurate over the month prior to when Rachel and I started dating. No, now it was something else. It was something that I couldn't put a finger on, but I knew that I had placed her and everything having to do with her in a box. That can only last so long.

I know I've told you that Rachel taught me to truly appreciate the moment and to live life without regret. Losing her was not the first time she did that. Working the ER and being an Ortho, Rachel got called into work frequently. Car wrecks. Specialty work that the other Orthos didn't feel comfortable with. You name it. She got the call. Chicago was a big city after all and there was always stuff going on. This one night always comes to mind when I think about that. Mostly because it caused me to deal with several issues all at once.

I walked into Molly's on this night and found something that nearly made me stop in my tracks. Who am I kidding? I did stop. There was Rachel sitting at a table with Kim and her new partner. They were all smiling and drinking like they were the best of friends. Lesson number one: tell your new girl the name of your ex to avoid awkward situations like this. Lesson number two: Tell your ex that you are in a new relationship so you can avoid awkward situations like this.

Shit. I had told Rachel that I would meet her tonight which meant there was no way to avoid this. I made my way up to the table and just kind of stood next to the open seat next to Rachel. She noticed me immediately and looked up. Kim took a moment, but I knew the second she did. Those big eyes just reminded me of a deer caught in headlights.

"Hey. You finally made it. Did you guys catch the guy?"

I looked to Rachel and nodded my head and felt relieved as one of the new waitresses came up and asked what I wanted to drink. As I was ordering my beer, I could hear Rachel's cell go off. Her groan fell from her lips as I went to turn back.

"Crap. It's the hospital. I guess it's good that I've barely taken a sip of this. Bad car wreck. I gotta go. Sorry ya'll. I'll catch you later."

Rachel hopped out of her seat and paused momentarily like she was reading the situation. I knew better than to think that she hadn't read the tension at the table with my arrival. She patted my back as she made her way past me and headed out the door. In that moment, two things went through my mind. Because I was trying to hold onto our relationship as something private, I had missed out on kissing her goodbye. Because I hadn't been brave enough to be honest. Kim's new partner excused herself and I finally made eye contact with Kim again. I slide into the seat that had been left for me and prepared myself for the conversation.

"I didn't know that you knew Dr. Allen."

"I don't just know her. We're …"

"I think I figured that out."

"Ok."

I took the beer that the waitress placed in front of me and began to pick at the label.

"I just didn't want you to be blindsided."

"You mean like the way you were."

I looked up at the ceiling to try and swallow the anger. Yeah, that still hurt.

"Exactly." Forget swallowing anymore. "I figured it was the right thing to do."

"Cause I didn't do the right thing."

"I didn't say that. I just meant that I would extend the courtesy that I wished you would have given me."

I got up at that point and walked away. I didn't want a fight. Not that night. I finished my beer with Otis at the bar and then headed home.

It was probably midnight when I heard the knock at my door. I knew it would be Rachel. Opening the door, she immediately made her way into my arms and I just held her to me. She would always show up like this when she was done. She always looked exhausted and spent in these moments and I knew the small comfort I could give would mean a lot.

"It was Kim, right?"

Yep. Rachel had known immediately.

"Yeah."

"Well, that sucks. I like her. I can't hate her now."

I just shook my head. And the strangest realization came to me.

"I don't want you to hate her. She's not a bad person. Just the opposite. She's probably one of the best people I know. We just know how to really hurt each other, I guess."

Rachel looked up at me and the gentle way she was doing it just hurt.

"Are you getting there now?"

I knew immediately what she meant.

"Yeah. I am. I told her."

Rachel's eyes narrowed as she was trying to follow my line of thought.

"That we're seeing each other. I wanted her to know."

"We are? Glad to have that cleared up."

I could feel the smile spread across my face. I pulled Rachel back to me and thanked God for her sense of humor. She could take any awkward situation and instantly make it easier.

* * *

Waking up the following morning, I turned my head to find Rachel staring at me. I knew she had a question and I wasn't going to be able to run from it anymore.

"What happened?"

Turn about was fair play. I looked at the ceiling and tried to figure out how I felt and what I knew.

"I got scared and instead of talking about it, I tried to give myself more time. I think she got insecure but instead of talking to me she talked to everyone else. The part that hurt was that she went to the one person that I knew was playing on her insecurities because he had his own game going. I told her, but she didn't listen. The worst part was that she ended up with him and she tried to hide it."

I looked at Rachel now. And I saw the very thing that I needed the most. Concern and caring. Not a single ounce of pity.

"Did you guys ever talk about any of it? Try to deal with it."

I shook my head.

"I felt like I tried, but I guess I was too late."

"What if you weren't? What if she would listen now?"

I just shook my head again.

"No. I can't. I won't." This was the hardest part to admit. For whatever reason, this truth was still hard.

"I don't trust her. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to."

"You haven't forgiven her."

I wiped my face with my hands because that truth just annoyed me. I would trust Kim with my life at work, but God I still wanted to keep her at arm's length.

"No, I haven't."

"I haven't forgiven Derrick."

We just laid there and let that truth sink in. She was the one person that I could be honest with. I could never have told anyone at the unit about any of this. Could never have been this honest.

"I had never loved anyone as much as I loved her. I really thought she was the one and that was why I was so scared. But she left and she didn't believe enough in me. That's what I can't forgive."

That statement caused a tear to roll down Rachel's cheek. She wiped it away and I knew in that moment that I had hit on her insecurity with her last relationship. We had been through the same thing. That morning was a first for me. I should have known that I would never be the same.

 **The Present**

Isabelle was changing me. Every day I saw parts of my life altered by her presence. And the months that had gone by had truly made this apparent. My relationship with my Pops was one of the parts that had changed. I had always considered it good, but I guess I was kidding myself. We have never talked as much as we do now. I now appreciate so much more what he did for me. It won't be my choices but I understand them all the better now. It has made me understand why he chose to leave my Mom. I can remember how bad things were before he left, but a part of me always thought I had some part in it. Now, I know better. He left because he wanted my life to be better. Their relationship was toxic and it would have changed me for the worse.

She's changed my relationship within the unit. Where I was the Kid of the unit before, it's hard for that role to continue at this point. I talk more with Antonio and Al about kids and girls in general. They listen to my fears and tell me how it is. I'm closer to them now than I would have ever been without Isabelle. I'm at Atwater's constantly and feel like they have basically adopted me and Isabelle. His brothers are just as adept at getting her to sleep as I am. They amaze me as a family. It's all about helping each other out. There is no being lazy in that house. It was that comfort that caused me to leave Isabelle with Kevin as I headed out on a stake out with Al. I would have taken her to my Dad's, but he was still working nights and I figured that Momma Atwater would be home soon if Kevin got called in. I probably should have laid out more contingencies and I tried to, but Kevin assured me that he had options if something came up. Well, of course it did. When Kevin showed up to assist with the raid on the warehouse that Al and I had been surveilling, I didn't have time to ask him who was with Isabelle and that bothered me. However, in our job I had to trust that he had it handled. I couldn't be worried about that when I needed to have his back. I put it out of my mind and did my job. I followed Atwater home and made my way up the front walk behind him. What we walked in and saw, stopped me in my tracks. His brothers were sacked out on the floor with blankets laid over them. His sister was asleep in the recliner and there was Kim on the couch with Isabelle sound asleep on her chest. Momma Atwater was just watching them.

"Isn't that the sweetest thing. I didn't have the heart to wake them, but I guess we'll have to now that you two are here."

She made her way to the two boys as Atwater lifted his little sister out of the recliner. I waited for them to pass before approaching Kim. I had so many emotions playing with my head in that moment. I didn't realize that Kim was Atwater's back up. I paused for a moment to take note that Isabelle's little fist had a hand full of Kim's shirt and that Kim's arms were wrapped around her in such a protective manor that it brought a lump to my throat. I swallowed it down and went to try and move her arms. That didn't work at all. Even in her sleep, Kim instinctively resisted my intrusion. I finally just squeezed Kim's shoulder and then shook it slightly. Her eyes came open and I could see her trying to push the fog away. As her eyes cleared, I could see that she was waiting to see my reaction. I made a smile come to my face.

"Hey. We're back. I can take her now."

Kim looked down at Isabelle as she continued to sleep and Kim slowly began to come upright so that she could hand Isabelle over without waking her. I held my daughter to my chest and knew I needed to say something.

"Thanks for watching her."

Kim was pulling straight her shirt from where Isabelle had been grasping it.

"It was my pleasure. She's such a happy baby."

"She didn't give you any trouble?"

"No. She's going to be a heart breaker with that smile."

"Don't I know it. She'll be taking after her Mom. I better get going. Good night."

I left and tried to determine how I was feeling about this latest development. I had no clue.

* * *

Post AN: Expect Kim's POV next or a very different view of Rachel and Adam. Or maybe I'll be going into hiding. Depending on the reaction. ;)


	8. Kim POV 1

**AN:** Alright, I decided to go with this little scene from Kim's POV. When I write stories, I usually get a bunch of little snippets and I actually got this one from Kim's experience pretty early. I had already decided to do the whole story from Adam's POV, but I will occasionally get scenes in my mind from Kim's POV that I will talk about in the story or infer through conversations that Adam has or that he observes. In this case, He walked in on the aftermath of this scene. So basically, this scene occurred prior to the present scene from the last chapter. I might give you other little out takes from Kim as I go along if I feel that they are relevant or fun. Hope you enjoy this. It doesn't really affect the story, but it might give you a little insight into something that Adam is over looking.

* * *

I was making my way up to Atwater's house as quickly as I could. He had said that he had gotten called into work and needed me to babysit since his Mom had the late shift at work. I'd done this before so many times that it didn't even cross my mind to ask questions. I just got moving to help out in any way I could. I knew how hard everyone in Intelligence worked and if they needed Kevin then I would make his and his mother's life easier. Honestly, I was looking forward to it. Gave me something else to focus my attention on and his sister and brothers were always super easy.

I rang the doorbell without hesitation and Kevin answered immediately. I could hear the boys laughing at something as I followed Kevin into the living room. When I finally made my way around Kevin's huge back, I saw what they were laughing at. Kevin's sister was making funny faces at tiny Isabelle and I guess her laugh was infectious for the boys. Honestly, her laugh was absolutely the sweetest sound.

It was a second later when Kevin picked her up and then placed her in my arms that reality hit.

"Wait. Kevin? Does Adam know that I am going to be watching her?"

"Don't worry about it. I told him I had back up if I got called in. He'll be fine with it."

"He doesn't know that I am the backup, does he? Kev, don't you think you should tell him?"

"Nope. Have a good night."

Kevin was gone. Out the door before I could even take a breath. I kept staring at that door for a bit and I could vaguely hear the boys talking about what movies they wanted to watch. I finally looked to Isabelle whose eyes were now studying my face like I was the most interesting thing. I was truly wondering if I could do this. Watch Adam's daughter. The daughter that I knew had become his whole world. That's when Isabelle did the one thing that was guaranteed to melt my heart. She tilted her head to the side and looked up at me from under those long eyelashes and she smiled. Not just any smile. That was Adam's smile. His coy "You know you love me" smile. I was toast.

"Oh you've already learned that from your daddy. That is so not fair."

The smile only got bigger at that point and she nuzzled herself right into my neck. I looked to Kevin's little sister, "Is she like this with everyone?"

"Kind of. Took her a bit to warm up to me, but she loves Momma and the boys."

"Ok, well. Have you guys picked a movie? You've eaten, right?"

There was a chorus of yeses and I was able to settle down on the couch with Isabelle to enjoy the night.


	9. Chapter 8

**AN:** Alright. This chapter is a different view of Adam and Rachel's relationship as well as a snippet of what Kim and Adam's relationship is becoming. I start to time jump quite a bit, but I think you will appreciate that. Now for my opinions since I guess this is a hot topic on twitter and I've seen it in some people's reviews. AMomentofClarity I totally agree with you. It is both of their faults. I think this is true in most relationships that fail, but the combination of Kim's insecurities and Adam's assumptions or go with the flow/don't rock the relationship boat mentality doomed them. I'm honestly not mad at either of them on the show. They are both young and are still trying to learn how to deal with those faults. I do believe, however, that Adam did try to talk to Kim. TV shows only have so many minutes to spend on each character and some things get lost in the cutting room floor. I truly believe that the writers thought that we would all remember the fact that Adam gets very attentive when he thinks someone is mad at him. I take this from the episode "What would you do" when Kim wasn't answering her phone and he kept calling her and leaving her messages. This trait actually saved her life, but knowing Kim and what we saw of her...she just ignored them...because she couldn't deal. I think that deep down, Kim knew that Adam loved her and that he wanted to be with her, but she had made a decision and she knew if she talked with him that she would back down. I understand both points of view of fans that are upset, but I've gone back lately for my stories and watched some of the episodes from the first season. I am going to deal with some of my realizations about Adam later in the story so I won't discuss that now, but realize that he and Kim are more similar than people want to remember. All I will say.

Just a quick note: Thank you so much for all the reviews over the last few chapters. It was much needed encouragement.

* * *

Noise  
Yeah we scream, yeah we shout 'til we don't have a voice  
In the streets, in the crowds, it ain't nothing but noise  
Drowning out all the dreams of this Tennessee boy  
Just tryna be heard in all this noise

"Noise" – Kenny Chesney

* * *

 **The past**

Shared heart ache only gets a couple so far. If I've made you think that is all Rachel and I had then I am sorry for that. It wasn't. It was the fact that it went so much further than that. It was looking out for each other. It was being there when the other had the worst of days. It was knowing each other. It was knowing that when I found Rachel sitting on her chaise lounge in her condo without any music on or a sound in the place that she had lost a patient or that she had a case that had rocked her to the core. It was her knowing that when I got quiet that it meant something was wrong and that if I didn't want to talk about it at that time that just her presence was enough.

It was the good stuff, too. It was being curled up on the couch watching a movie and walking the city on sunny afternoons. It was the way she fit into my side when we walked or how she could run just as fast as me on the rare occasion we could do that together. And I may never be a fan of country music, but I will always be thankful for the way it made her hips move when she didn't think I was watching.

It was her intuitively knowing what I needed even if I didn't. Like when the department made me take time off since I was in a use/lose situation. Yeah. I became that guy that never took time off. I loved my job. Why take time off? She knew I needed the reset and made me take a trip with her. She somehow convinced me that going back to her home state was a good idea. Said something about how riding four wheelers and shooting guns had a way of centering yourself. I didn't understand what she meant till we landed in South Carolina. Her friend Steve picked us up and we headed straight for the woods. Steve was the size of a mountain, but he turned out to be a teddy bear. Her high school friends were already waiting for us and the excitement just radiated off of all of them when they saw her. Her friends reminded me so much of the bond that was felt in the unit. It was kidding around and the smart ass comments that just hid all the love that was felt between all of them.

"You still know how to drive that thing after being in the city so long? Sure you even remember the way to the camp?"

"Shut up, Steve. I probably know better than you do."

Rachel was already straddling one of the four wheelers and firing the ignition before I had been able to take the whole scene in. Steve finished strapping our backpacks on the back for us and then looked to me.

"Sure you trust her to drive that thing? Hold tight. She'll probably try to lose you on the way."

Rachel just turned around and rolled her eyes.

"Don't listen to him. He's the only one I know to ever lose a passenger on the way there."

"I will deny that to the day I die. She jumped."

"That doesn't sound any better."

Steve's laugh echoed off the trees and he made his way over to his own vehicle which I noted no one was volunteering to ride on. Rachel patted the seat behind her and then turned around. She was giving me the option to back out. Not that I would have had any where to go. I climbed on and she took off. I quickly figured out that she was right. This was a good way to reset. The laughter of her friends as they all went tearing through the woods to this campsite that they had gone to since they were kids was infectious. It turned out to be on one of their family's properties so they knew that no one would be around. They had an old shooting range set up and cheap beer cans would be placed on logs for target practice. Apparently, she hadn't told them that I was a cop. Steve thought it would be fun to watch the city boy try and shoot a gun. I just took what he held out to me and did what I normally did. The shock on his face caused Rachel to fall over laughing.

"Thank you for that. He needs to be put in his place occasionally."

"What did you even tell them about me?"

"That you were my boyfriend and that you worked for the city."

"The city, huh?"

"Yeah."

They built a bonfire that night and drank whiskey while telling stories and roasting marshmallows. It was good to see her in this atmosphere. It was nice to see where she came from. What I wasn't prepared for was when we came out of the woods the next day. An older man was waiting for us and he was leaning against an old Ford pickup. Rachel got off the four wheeler and made her way up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. I knew in an instance that it was her father. She had his eyes and hair color, even if his was now peppered with white. He was as tall as I was and burly, but his eyes were gentle as he held his only daughter. When she pulled back, he turned those eyes on me.

"This must be Adam."

Rachel stepped to the side as she nodded the confirmation. I was caught. Nowhere to go and no way to avoid this meeting. I stuck my hand out to shake his and part of me was surprised at how easily the man met me half way. I guess in the back of my mind I just always assumed that any father would immediately dislike me on sight. It's what they show in the movies all the time and I had heard enough stories from friends to believe it was just a given. Rachel's Dad was not that cliché. He was warm and genuinely interested in who his daughter had decided to spend time with. At dinner that night when Rachel had gotten up to head to the rest room, I felt accepted, but still nervous around him. Strange state to be in.

"Rachel tells me you are a cop in Chicago. Dangerous work in that city I would imagine."

I nodded. I felt that I probably knew what he was getting at.

"True. But so is living, sir. At least I can say that I'm trying to make the city a better place."

I think he respected that. Heading back to Chicago, I can remember feeling sad that we had to leave so soon.

* * *

 **The Present**

So people think that being a cop is all about catching the bad guys, throwing them in jail, and saving the day. Ha! Dream on. It's sitting in a car with a guy that hasn't showered since the beginning of his shift as you watch a building for any activity while eating drug store food. And by the way, no one has gone near that building for the last eight hours and you have to pee like a racehorse. It's then running at full speed trying to catch the asshole that you were staking out after the jerk takes shots at you. That's on a good day. Most days it's really dealing with paperwork, phone calls, and setting up meetings with shady people you normally would never associate with.

The worst of those for me is paperwork. I would take everything else and never complain a day in my life, if I could give up the paperwork. No such luck. It's city work after all. Gotta have paperwork to justify all this fun. Which just makes me shake my head at the situation I am currently in. Getting called in on my day off about some expense reports and needing to sign some witness statements, because the legal office has their panties in a bunch is just the icing on the cake.

So here I am carrying a now 8 month old Isabelle into the precinct on my hip to sign all this crap. Yeah. I said eight months. Time flies when you are just putting one foot in front of the other. She's grown so much that I can't stand it. She needs to slow down. She's been babbling like crazy and even though I know that the first time she said da-da she had no idea what she was doing. It was amazing. I've noticed that she is actually now responding to her name and that nickname. She knows that I'm Dada and I can see that personality starting to really blossom. I'm just hoping that she will keep some of that spunk under wraps for the time it takes me to get this done. Platt promised to have it all ready for me at the front. If I take Belle upstairs, I'll be here for hours and she is already going to be running late for her nap.

I get to the front desk and Platt is as good as her word. She sets a stack of papers the size of a yearbook in front of me and hands me a pen.

"What were they doing? Just holding onto it till it got to this size. Jesus. That had to have been sitting on someone's desk for a while."

"What did you expect, Pretty boy?"

I just shook my head and began signing. I could feel Belle in my arms taking the whole precinct in. She had been there several times before, but I had always tried to make those trips short. Never knew what could go down and I just didn't like the idea of her being there. Might be stupid, but it was how I was feeling. I was breezing through until I felt Isabelle begin to squirm.

"Hey darling. Calm down. Dada's almost done."

"M!"

Ok. That is a new one. I kept signing, but Isabelle was not stopping and I see out of the corner of my eye that she was reaching behind us and that her gaze was focused in that direction.

"What is it, girl?"

Isabelle's light eyes were pleading with me to understand and then she rubbed them.

"M!"

Oh, this is not good. I knew this was not good. Sleepy baby combined with wanting something that she couldn't tell me she wanted. Crap.

"M!"

This time she emphasized her request with ducking her head down into my neck and then going back to her reaching behind me.

"Belle. I have no idea what you want."

I heard Platt clear her throat and I looked to her.

"I'm no baby expert, but I'm guessing she is wanting Burgess. She's in the commander's office. Kim….M."

Isabelle then turned around in my arms and repeated the letter to Platt. Great. Now, Platt knew what my daughter wanted more than I did. I guess I should have seen this coming. Kim had become a regular baby sitter since the unit had become quite busy over the last four months. Always seemed to be at night that I was having to find someone, and Kim always seemed to be available. I signed another paper and tried to sooth Isabelle as best as I could.

Hearing her sniffle made me groan. She was going to start crying if she didn't get what she wanted soon. I finally turned around to look through the commander's window. Kim looked like she was in about as good of a mood as Isabelle. Guess the commander was not happy about something. I could see Kim trying to explain something. I knew this because I knew those hand gestures and facial expressions when she is trying to stand her ground.

This is when my beautiful daughter decided she had enough. The wail stopped just about everything in the front and I could feel my face turn bright red as I saw Kim and the commander stop mid conversation. Yeah, my daughter has got a set of lungs on her. I will claim they come from Rachel till the day I die. I watch as the commander opens her door to step out into the entrance hall. Kim is right behind her. The commander is approaching me as I am rocking Isabelle and I really wish in that moment that transporters actually existed. Beam me up, Scotty.

"Officer, why are you here with a screaming baby?"

"Sorry, Commander. SGT Platt just needed me to sign some forms. I was hoping to be out of here…."

"M!"

Isabelle just about propelled herself out of my arms in Kim's direction. I actually felt a sense of relief when Kim immediately scooped her up. Isabelle curled into Kim's neck and immediately began to calm down. The commander was looking back and forth between me and Kim.

"Ok, Officer. Since it looks like Officer Burgess has calmed your daughter, why don't you finish what you came here to do so we can end this circus. Burgess, we'll talk later."

The commander left and I immediately went back to the stack of papers. Kim came up to stand next to me as I signed.

"What was the commander all upset with you about?"

"How do you know that she was upset? Maybe I was actually being praised about something."

I looked over to Kim and shook my head.

"Yeah, try again. I know you too well."

Kim huffed, but nodded her head.

"The rookie wrecked our patrol car yesterday. I was getting reamed for letting him drive. Since this would make his third accident."

I just started laughing. Kim had decided to become a training officer and Platt had eagerly assisted in making this happen. Apparently, her first rookie was making quite the name for himself. Wreck it Ralph.

"Why in the world did you let him drive?"

"I'm too nice."

I just smiled as I finished signing the last page. Platt scooped all the pages up and turned away from the desk. I looked to Kim and Isabelle was fast asleep. I just shook my head. Lesson learned. Never push back nap time.

"Thanks for taking her. I should get her home."

"No, thank you. Got me out of the lecture. You guys have a good day."

Kim handed her over and luckily Isabelle was none the wiser. I left and continued to just ignore what was beginning to happen.

* * *

Post AN: The next chapter is when things start to get interesting...if they have not gotten there for you already. :)


	10. Chapter 9

**AN:** Oh man. There is so much I could say about this chapter. The bitter with the sweet is how I will preface it. As most things go with life, you have to take the good with the bad. Journeys are never a straight line. I've talked in previous stories about how I have chapters that I truly have trouble with. This isn't it, but it did help me with the one that is my problem child. Or the one that I just don't know about. By posting this chapter, I've basically committed myself to posting the problem child. We will see how you all react to that one when I am done editing it. As always, I thank each and everyone of you that have taken the time to review this story. I know it takes time and effort to do so. Just know that it means the world to each and every writer on these sites. It makes all the time and effort that is put into writing well worth all the second guessing and doubt. Happy Reading Everyone!

* * *

I'm not America's sweetheart  
Well, they say I'm too loud  
For this town  
So I lit a match  
And burned it down  
What do you want from me  
I'm not America's sweetheart  
But you love me anyway

"America's Sweetheart" – Elle King

* * *

 **The Past**

Relationships take work. And I'm not just talking the showing up everyday type of work. I'm talking the dealing with your shit and owning it type of work. Not having the pressure to think that Rachel would want to get married at some point helped for me to avoid some of my issues, but that didn't mean I was off the hook completely. Commitments come in many different forms. This just blindsided me, even if I should have seen it coming. Eight months was when she decided to see how far I wanted to be pushed. We were cleaning up from dinner at her place and I had made some comment about having to pick up some clean clothes from my place in the morning.

"You know you wouldn't have to do that if you just moved in."

I froze. Were we going in that direction? She looked up at me and I knew my reaction was plain as day. I quickly tried to hide behind a laugh, but it was too late.

"True, but it is what it is."

"What is that supposed to mean, Adam? It was simply a suggestion to fix something you have been commenting about a lot lately. Which to me means one of two things. Either you want to take the next step and actually move in together or you are thinking of ending things. I'm just trying to figure out which it is. I'm not going to just sit back and wait to see what happens."

"Rachel, I'm actually happy with the way things are. I really didn't mean anything by all the comments. They were more just a statement to remind myself so I wouldn't forget and hit the snooze button in the morning."

"Ok. How about this? Why don't you sleep at your place then? Then you won't have to worry about it."

"I don't want that."

"Well, I do. For tonight. Maybe even tomorrow. I just need some time to take a step back then. I'm getting use to you being here Adam and if you aren't ready to take that step then we need to take a breather. I'm not ending things. I just need some time. Can you understand that?"

I was floored. Weren't we just having dinner and having an amazing time. What the hell?

"Sure. I guess."

I grabbed my jacket and left. I was angry as I drove home. I got into my apartment and it was so quiet that it almost drove me crazy. I went to the fridge and felt a sense of relief that there was still beer in it. I headed to the couch and turned the hockey game on. I wasn't watching it. I just needed the noise. How did this happen? I was being pushed away again. I finished the six pack of beer in there and then went to bed. It took me about two days to figure out what Rachel was doing. She was making me live with my decision. Live with my fear. She still called and talked to me. We still texted, but not having her with me at night made me miss her. It was relearning the same mistake all over again, but this time I was with someone that was strong enough to see if I regretted my mistake. I knocked on Rachel's door that third night and she stood in the doorway and waited to see what I had to say.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't ready. I guess I'm always a couple steps behind you. I don't want to lose you."

Rachel opened the door the rest of the way and let me in. I could hear her foot steps behind me and I turned around when I heard them stop.

"Adam, I want you to move in so we can spend more time together and not be worrying about when we can meet up because of our jobs. I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm not asking for you to promise that you will always be here. I just want the promise for the next month or so. I would never try and hold you here if you didn't want to be."

"I want to be. The step back. I guess I needed that as much as you did. To know how I would feel to go back… I hated it."

The smile on her face was what I needed to see.

"Good."

"You're happy that I was miserable?"

"Yes."

"You're a cruel woman."

"But you still love me."

"Yeah. I guess I do if I'm giving up my place."

And there it was. The full smile of someone that was getting what they wanted and was truly happy about it. She flew into my arms and I can honestly say that I was just as happy as she was.

* * *

 **The Present**

Nine months. Isabelle is nine months today. I'm not sure how that is possible. I'm back at the window in our apartment and I'm sipping a beer as I watch the traffic down below. Has it really been nine months? Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about that. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking either. I know how bad those two combinations can be. I take my beer over to the sink and I pour it out. I guess I have reasons to be thinking about it today. Mouse sure as hell didn't help. I would think he would know that asking me if I was interested in being set up with some girl was wildly inappropriate. I told him that too and then he leveled me with the time that had gone by. He acted like nine months was such a long period of time. What the hell?! Part of me can't ever see being with someone else, but I know that is me lying to myself. Or at least I think I am. I know what Rachel's thought would be on the matter. She'd be telling me that I had a year.

"Deal with your shit and move on. I kept telling my Dad that. He never got over my Mom dying and it just upset me so much because I knew that she would want him to be happy."

She'd even gone as far as to give me permission to move on if something happened. "I'm just saying. If we are old and gray and I shuffle off before you, I want you to have fun in the nursing home. Have five girlfriends or one if you want to. I want you to have fun. Find love."

For some reason, that memory just pissed me off. I could feel my blood want to boil. She was gone. She had left me. Stupid. Such a stupid thought, but it was how I felt. Abandoned. Left to raise our girl and to face a life all alone. I could feel myself gripping the edge of my kitchen counter to the point that my knuckles began to hurt. I made myself let go and I began to pace the kitchen. I needed to get out of there. Go for a run. Go to the gym and punch something. Anything to get this feeling out of me. But I couldn't. Isabelle was down for her nap and I had to be there. I looked at my phone and knew that if I called Atwater he would understand. I picked up the phone and made the call. I would be no good to Isabelle if I was an angry wreck. He picked up almost immediately and I'm not sure if it was the sound of my voice, but the second I asked if he could stop by and sit with Isabelle he said he was already on the way. I continued to pace the kitchen and avoided the hallway to Isabelle's nursery. I was hoping she would stay asleep till Atwater got there. Of course, that didn't happen. Her cries meant I had to go get her. I just couldn't let her sit in there all alone and cry. I picked her up and as babies do, she could sense my unease. Which meant that the crying created tears. I was rocking her when I heard the doorbell. I've never made it to that door so fast while carrying her.

There stood Atwater with Kim right behind him.

"Sorry, Dawg. We were at that market up the street. Got here as soon as we could. What's up?"

I handed over Isabelle and just walked back to the bedroom. I had it in my mind to change into workout clothes and just leave, but it had been too much. I made the mistake of looking into the mirror and seeing what I looked like. Crazed. At my wits end. I knew Rachel would be disappointed in me, so I punched the mirror. Problem solved. Till I looked down at my hand. Yeah. So not going to the gym now.

I backed up to the wall and just slid down it. I kept my hand close to my chest since I was pretty sure that the blood from the cuts would not come out of carpet easily and I could always buy a new shirt. I heard the soft knock on the door and then saw Kim slowly peak her head in.

"You're not going to throw something at me, are you?"

"No."

"Ok. What the hell happened?"

"I punched the mirror."

"I heard. Why?"

I just looked away. No good answer to that question. I could tell that Kim had made her way into the room and she was now sitting on the floor near me, but not close enough to touch me. I guess she didn't want to spook me. Great. I'm now being treated like a crazy person.

"I'm not handling you if that is what you are thinking."

I knew my eyes told Kim that I wasn't believing a word of that.

"Well, don't punch mirrors for no reason if you don't want to be handled. Can I look at your hand? You're bleeding pretty bad."

I held out my hand and Kim inched forward to look at it.

"Where's your first aid kit?"

I began to speak and then felt the lump in my throat.

"Rachel kept her kit in the spare room closet."

I could see the sadness creep across Kim's eyes. She got up and headed out of the room. God, I was such an idiot. Letting Mouse mess with me like this. It wasn't even him. It was me letting myself go down the rabbit hole. Kim came back into the room with the bag and began pulling out the supplies she would need. She cleaned my hand and bandaged it without saying a word. I appreciated it. Was easier that way. She finished up and then she sat back against the wall next to me.

"I get it."

"What?"

"Why you punched the mirror."

"Really?"

"You saw me at my lowest. You think, I don't understand?"

Crap. I had. Rachel and I had definitely seen Kim at her lowest.

"I never thanked you for that."

"Yes, you did."

"No, not properly. You both did not have to do that and I will never forget how gentle she was with me. She was…unreal."

I just stared at Kim. I don't know. I guess I just never expected to hear this from her.

"I wanted to hate her. I really did. But I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"She made you happy. Which made hating her possible and impossible all at the same time."

"Kim, I…"

"You know she pretended to be my lesbian lover at Molly's once, right?"

Ok, what?! I quickly swallowed the shocked exclamation down.

"Excuse me?"

"Yep. You were on a stake out and Atwater was hanging out with Mouse and this guy would just not leave me alone."

"And she rescued you."

"It worked to. He basically stayed at the other end of the bar the whole rest of the night. Till you showed up and then he started to inch his way back. Didn't you wonder why Rachel kept putting her arm around me that night?"

"I did, but I figured it was none of my business. Or it was my lucky day and worst nightmare since the two of you were getting along so well."

Kim started laughing which naturally caused a smile to come to my face.

"You would think that. Can't handle your ex and your girlfriend being friends?"

"Actually, it wasn't as weird as I thought it would be."

"No, it wasn't. How are you doing now? Better?"

I was better.

"Yeah. Thanks. For this." I held up my hand to emphasize my prior stupidity. "and for the story. I guess I needed that."

"No problem."

"Were you really out with Kev at the market?"

"Yep. Momma sent us out for produce for dinner. I was over helping his sister with her English homework. Kevin hates that stuff."

Kim was now standing up and she held her hand out to me. I took it and she helped pull me to standing.

"Ready to face the world again?"

"Lead the way."

* * *

 **Post note:** If you are wondering if you are going to find out about Kim's low point...stay tuned.


	11. Chapter 10

**AN:** Ok, I'm going to let you read this one first. Then I'll talk about it. I don't know. BTW, this is the problem child. Enjoy!

* * *

But there's only so many streets, so many lights  
I swear it's like I can't even leave my house  
I should've known all along  
You gotta move or move on  
When you break up in a small town

"Break Up in a Small Town" – Sam Hunt

* * *

 **The Past**

I know I told you that Kim and Rachel became uneasy friends. You might wonder how in the world that happened. Well, it wasn't like any of us did it on purpose. It was life intervening and making us choose to go down a path. We could have continued to live this separate existence, but fate made other plans for us. I had not really kept tabs on Kim much or if I was honest I had tried not to listen to stuff about her personal life. Sure, I knew that after Roman had left that she had dated around. There was the firefighter, the paramedic, the lawyer, and the pilot. The last one was the one that had seemed to stick around for the longest, but I had heard that they had broken up several weeks ago. Kevin had said something about her having a hard time with this one, but I had only nodded and left it at that. It wasn't that I didn't care. I did. I didn't want her to be hurting. I still cared about her, but I knew she had Kevin and Erin and I figured they would take care of her. I guess I over estimated how much she would actually confide in them.

It was late on a Friday night. Rachel and I had just made it to bed after she had gotten in from the hospital and I had stumbled in from a case. We were both just looking forward to getting some sleep when my phone rang. I knew that we were still in the mist of the case and that something could have jumped off so I answered it without even looking at the number. It was 2am, so I just assumed that it could only be work. I was shocked when I heard Herman's voice on the other end.

"Hey, Ruzek. Man, I hate to call you but you are the first person I could get a hold of. I got Burgess here and I really don't think she is in any condition to take a cab home. I tried to get a hold of Lindsay and Atwater, but no one picked up."

I cursed under my breath. It wasn't like I was just going to leave her there.

"Ok, I'll head that way. What do you mean you don't want to put her in a cab?"

"Um…I'm not sure she can even stand. Let alone walk. Just come. Once, again. I wouldn't have called you but I didn't know who else to call that wouldn't get her in trouble at work."

"Don't worry about it. I'm on my way."

I turned to look at Rachel and I tried to figure out how I was going to explain this.

"What's going on? Work?"

I could have taken the out. Said it was a CI that I was helping out, but I hadn't lied to Rachel yet and I wasn't starting now.

"Herman. Kim's at Molly's and apparently he doesn't feel comfortable putting her in a cab. I was the only one that picked up."

"He doesn't want to put her in a cab? That's bad. Give me a second. I'll go with you."

"Rachel, you don't have to."

"Adam, you are going to need help if she is that bad. Plus, I can help in a way that most can't. Let's go."

On our way out the door, Rachel grabbed a bag that reminded me of the packs that the paramedics carry. I had no idea that she had it, but I guess I should have.

We arrived at Molly's and Herman wasn't lying. Kim was now sitting on the floor and she was obviously inebriated. There were tear marks down her cheeks that could not be obscured even if she had her head in her hands. Herman stood up and made his way to me as Rachel walked around him and straight to Kim.

"What the hell happened?"

"She was hanging out with the squad guys tonight. You know how they get. Shot after shot. I think they got a kick out of watching to see how well she could handle her liquor. I tried to cut them off at one point, but I guess they got one of the other bartenders that was new to keep the tab open. I'm sorry, man. Needless to say, I will be having a word with them tomorrow."

"Good."

I made my way over to Rachel and Kim. Kim was still crying and I could tell that she had not even fully comprehended who was kneeling down in front of her.

"Kim, can I have your arm. Just one honey. I just want to get some fluids into you. It will help make you feel better."

Kim handed over the arm that was closest to Rachel but she continued to look away and balanced her head on her arm and leg.

"She's dizzy. Good thing Herman got us here when he did. I'd bet she was headed towards alcohol poisoning. I'm going to get a line into her to try and get her rehydrated."

I watched as Rachel quickly got the IV going and injected something into the bag.

"Hold that."

She handed me the bag to hold as she continued to tape the line to Kim's arm to keep it stable. Kim finally looked up to see who was helping her.

"Oh God."

The shock must have been too much. I could see her turning green and luckily Herman had the fore thought to have a bucket nearby. I knew then that it was going to be a long night. Rachel was holding Kim's hair as she looked up to me.

"You're going to have to carry her out. I'll stay in the back with her. We'll take her back to our place. She can't be by herself tonight. Do you know when her next shift is?"

I didn't but I knew I could find out. We got her home and set up in the spare room we had. I had never seen Kim that out of control and could not imagine what got her there. She wouldn't even look at me as I had carried her to the truck and then up to the apartment. I actually thought I would be in the dark as to what happened till I went to put her in the bed. Rachel was carrying the IV bag and getting ready to give me more instructions when Kim looked me right in the eye.

"Why do all men leave?"

"What?"

The question shocked and confused me all at the same time. It didn't make any sense. I never left. Kim turned away and Rachel put a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't take it personally. She's still not completely coherent."

Rachel had me go find a command hook so she could make a makeshift IV stand on the wall. I got called into work not long after that. I ended up texting Rachel later when Kim's next shift was and luckily she had the next day off. More than enough time to sleep it off. I can remember the following day at work seeing Kim and she still looked a bit rough around the edges, but no one else would be the wiser. She made her way up to me when I wasn't surrounded by people and we had at least some privacy.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the other night. I'm sure Rachel told you what happened."

"No, she didn't."

Kim looked shocked.

"She didn't?"

"No. I'm sure she felt that if you wanted me to know that you would tell me whatever it is."

"Wow. Okay. Um, it won't happen again."

"I'm not worried about that. Please, just promise me that whatever is going on that you will talk to someone. That wasn't just a whoops I drank too much last night thing. I know you. Something is up."

"My Dad died. Ok... we weren't exactly talking. With everything else. I guess I wasn't handling it as well as I thought."

That clicked some things into place for me. She was getting ready to turn away to leave and I couldn't leave things at that.

"We don't all leave you know. You will find someone that won't."

Kim just nodded and then turned and left. What I didn't know then was that Kim had basically spilled her guts to Rachel without really thinking about who she was talking to after I left. When she finally woke the next morning, she had tried to apologize to Rachel, and just assumed that Rachel would spill everything she said to me. When Kim realized that Rachel wasn't the type, it laid a foundation of trust between the two. They no longer avoided each other and she and I no longer did, either. That night bonded us in a way that I couldn't have ever expected. I could also never explain it to our friends. I still hadn't forgiven her, but I had let her back into my life.

* * *

 **The Present**

Yeah, Kim was back in my life. I wondered if she wasn't back in a bit too far. Like comfortable enough to call Rachel's Dad and her friends to get them to come to Chicago for Isabelle's first birthday despite my protest. Not that I didn't want to see them. I did. I just wanted to do it at a time that wouldn't be such a mixed bag of emotion. I had tried to bring that up to her.

"I'm thinking of just having my Dad, step mother, aunts and uncles over for her birthday. I mean she isn't going to remember it and I'm not sure how I am going to handle that day."

Kim immediately looked angry. She was holding Isabelle since she had been watching her this evening while I had been out with Kev for work.

"There is no way in hell I am letting that happen. It doesn't matter that she won't remember it. She will want to see pictures when she is older. Besides, it's her Birthday! You can't let that day be anything but that. Nope, not happening. Sorry."

"Kim, I'm her father. I can make that decision if I want to."

"Fine. You can... but that doesn't mean I can't throw her a party if I want to."

"Just do it on another day."

"Maybe I will."

She tucked Isabelle's head under her chin and turned to take her towards the nursery.

I wasn't winning this one. When Rachel's father found out that I was thinking about not having a party, he insisted on flying out and told me point blank that we would have a party. Ouch. Then he told me that Steve and the gang would be flying in as well because someone had let them know that a party was already planned. Kim. Yeah. Thanks.

I once again should have known that the women in my life are far wiser than I am. The party was the best idea ever. Watching Belle dive her little fingers into that giant cupcake was hilarious. Seeing Rachel's Dad and Steve and the crew all drinking beers and laughing with my family and the unit was amazing. Atwater and Steve kept having contests as to who had the bigger biceps or who could win in arm wrestling. I'm not sure these are the kinds of activities that should happen at a first birthday, but Belle sure will have some great pictures to look back at. And yes, I am now calling her Belle. I've given up. Rachel's Dad absolutely loved it and Steve told me that it fit. Said that there was no way in hell that Rachel would have anything but a "Southern Belle" as a daughter. I'm hoping that she takes after Belle from Disney and likes to read books in huge libraries, so the boys can't find her.

"She has an amazing smile."

I turned to look at Rachel's Dad and smiled.

"Yeah. She's just like Rachel."

"I'm not sure. She for sure has the eyes. I've been meaning to talk to you. I brought Rachel's ashes."

My blood froze in my veins. I wasn't sure I could handle this conversation.

"We spread some at the campsite. I was thinking that maybe you knew of a place here that she would like. I want you and Isabelle to have a place to go to feel close to her if you want."

I didn't know how I felt about that, but I knew the place.

"I know a place. I'll have to talk to my aunt and uncle, but I'm sure they would be okay with it."

"Ok. How about tomorrow?"

"Sure."

The next day came and I found myself driving Belle and Rachel's father towards Aunt Carol's. Steve and the rest of the crew were following behind us. The actual process of spreading her ashes was actually quite peaceful with the sun shining and everyone standing around me on the dock. Rachel's Father held Belle the whole time and he let me truly say goodbye. My Aunt was the best hostess on such short notice. I felt bad, but she insisted on having some food since we would be driving quite a distance. I was standing around sipping my drink when Rachel's father came up to me. I guess I should start calling him Robert. He came up next to me and sighed as he watched Steve tickling the heck out of Belle.

"My daughter had good friends."

"Yes, she did."

"So do you. That group you work with is one of a kind. They all seem to really care about you and Belle."

"They do. They've been a huge help."

"Kim seems like a sweetheart. So good with Belle."

"She is."

"Rachel would want you to move on. I want you to know that I know that."

My eyes were bugging.

"Sir, there is nothing going on between Kim and I."

"I know that, Son. I'm just saying. I know what my daughter would want. She wanted it for me. I sometimes regret that I didn't open myself up to the possibility. Or I wonder. That's all. You're much younger than I was. You have a lot of time hopefully. Plus, Belle deserves to see you happy. I just wanted to be able to tell you this in person, so you knew I meant every word."

I was in shock and Robert knew it. He patted me on the shoulder and walked over to save poor Belle before she laughed herself into a fit. The weekend had been an emotional roller coaster and I still wasn't sure how I was faring. I guess I will have to wait till everyone leaves and I am able to relax again.

* * *

Post Note: Ok, and now for the problem child. Not sure why I feel this way about this chapter. I just do. I'll let you in on a bit of the process for this story. I already have all the past flashback chapters written. When I wrote this part it kind of bothered me. I know the back story in my mind as to what happens that Adam isn't privy to, so I know it fits for the emotional progression that Kim is going through in the story, but I don't know. I guess as a writer when you love a character it is sometimes hard to put them through the wringer, but at the same time...I find it very plausible. Some may disagree with me about Kim's character, but for me...those people that try to hold onto pride and act like things are not affecting them...typically are the ones that lose it the worst when they finally let go. And lets be honest...Kim has gone through a lot. Broken engagement, partner she was in a relationship with getting shot, and then said partner/lover leaving town due to losing his job on top of the whole trial thing. The girl is way over due for a breakdown. I have an idea for a Kim out take that would involve part of her conversation with Rachel. Not sure if I want to add it or just leave it as is. I might address it later in the story, so I haven't decided what I want to do. We will see.


	12. Chapter 11

**AN:** Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday morning! I hope you enjoy this next installment. It is the last chapter with a flashback scene to start. Not saying that I might not have some flashbacks in the future. I might, but this is the last chapter with The past/The present set up. Which should tell you something. Pretty much a Burzek story from here on out. Maybe. Oh you'll see. I know you've gotten these song lyrics at the beginning of each chapter and I've kind of left them there without comment. This chapter and probably the next one I will comment. Normally, the songs are just something I've been listening to and have helped with my writing. Occasionally, the songs come to have meaning. These lyrics have such a double meaning for this story. You could honestly say that they could represent Kim or Rachel to Adam. However, in the end...there is only one that actually fits. Happy reading!

* * *

How yah been I'd love to hear bout how you been  
You're the only broken heart I've ever had and love to have again

I hope you find the storm that you were chasing  
Hope your eyes are still as full of dreams

"21 Summer" – Brothers Osbourne

* * *

 **The Past**

This day will be one that I will always remember. The day my life changed forever. I was sitting at my desk in the unit doing paperwork and joking around with Atwater and Halstead when my phone rang. Maggie was the last voice I ever expected to hear on the other end and hearing that Rachel had been admitted was the last news I ever expected to get. I ran out of there with barely an explanation except that Rachel was in the hospital. Word apparently got around the district cause of course those two can't keep their mouths shut, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I showed up at the hospital and immediately made my way to Maggie. She pointed me in the direction of Rachel's room and I made my way in.

"I told her not to call you! It was nothing."

"Passing out is not nothing. Have they found out what happened?"

This was when Rachel's eyes began to mist slightly and she nodded her head. She wasn't looking at me which told me that she was having a hard time getting the words out.

"Yes. My blood sugar was quite low since I had skipped breakfast. After doing three surgeries back to back, I guess I was dehydrated as well."

"You've done that before. What was different this time?"

I watched as Rachel took a deep breath and then looked right at me.

"I'm pregnant."

Mind blank. Information not computing. Can you say shock?

"What?"

"Apparently, my birth control is not as effective as it is supposed to be."

Ok.

"You're pregnant?"

"Yes... Adam, you're scaring me. Are you ok?"

Nope not ok. Shocked, scared, overwhelmed. That would cover it. However, I could see the same fear in Rachel's eyes as well. And then it hit me. I was going to have a baby with her. I knew if I could do this with anyone it would be her. She was a doctor for crying out loud. That should put us ahead of the game.

"I'm scared out of my mind, but I think we'll be ok. Are you okay? Is the baby ok? Are they still running tests? What do we need to do?"

"Whoa. Slow down. I'm fine. The baby is fine. I just need to eat. They'll be checking me out of here in a bit. I just need to lighten my load a bit and take my vitamins. You're ok with this?"

"What's not to be okay with?"

"It's a baby, Adam. You are stuck with me now. For life."

"So? I've always wanted kids. I've never been scared about that."

I could tell that I had shocked her. Well, good to know I could still surprise her.

* * *

I walked back into the district later that day, so I could finish up some work. Rachel had basically kicked me out of the apartment since she said I was hovering too much. Whatever. She shouldn't have to get up to put her glass away in the dishwasher. She shouldn't have to lift anything too heavy. Ok, maybe I was being a bit overprotective, but she had fainted that morning. Anyway. I almost ran into Kim as I was coming around a corner.

"Hey. Is Rachel okay? Everyone has been worried about her."

Great. She would love to know that the District 21 rumor mill had picked up on this.

"She's good. Back home."

"Great."

Kim went to turn around and I knew I needed to say something.

"Kim."

She turned back and walked back to me.

"I guess this falls into the wanting you to hear it from me and not someone else. Rachel's pregnant."

I didn't want to acknowledge it at the time, but I saw it. The momentary flash of pain that went across Kim's eyes before she put on the smile.

"Congratulations. That's great news. Tell her I said so. I've got to get going."

I let her go and made my way back up to my desk. It seemed so strange to be doing something as mundane as paperwork and know that my life was going to change. I just once again had no idea how much.

* * *

 **The Present**

The let down from the birthday weekend was not as bad as I thought it would be. I had been prepared that once the noise and the stress had gone away that I would feel depressed or like the hole in my life that had been left by Rachel was bigger or something. Strangely, that did not happen. I'm not sure if it was because the whole weekend had been about the good or focusing on the future. Belle's future. I don't know. I missed Rachel like crazy, but missing someone can happen as you move forward. Or at least focus on your life as it is. Strange thing is. I seem to have a very different view of how my life is.

I guess I need to explain this.

It was bound to happen that one night I would not be able to find a babysitter for Belle. Inevitable. Atwater's Mom was on the night shift and so was my Dad. Atwater's siblings were at an Aunt's or cousin's already so he was at the station. I tried calling my Mother, but as always she was off somewhere not answering her phone. That's when I called Kim. My initial thought was that I should have called her before my mother, but I was giving Mom a chance. When she picked up, I could tell that something was up. She was playing cool which was not how Kim normally answered the phone.

"Hey, Adam. What's up?"

"Um…I just got called into work. You wouldn't happen to be available, would you?"

"Oh….No. I'm not. Sorry."

"Ok. I'll figure something out. No big deal. Talk to you later."

"Sorry. Good luck."

As I hung up, I wondered why that conversation felt like there was a hidden undercurrent to it. There was just something that felt off. Calling Voight to tell him that I couldn't get a sitter was going to suck. I texted Antonio to see if he had any ideas and to say I was shocked when he texted back that he had back up on the way was an understatement. That theme continued when I heard my door bell ring and found Platt and Mouch on my door step.

"Sarg,…Um can I help you?"

"We're here to watch the munchkin, Pretty boy. Antonio called and said you needed help."

I was skeptical. I really was. Till Mouch waved at Belle and she basically reached for him like she had known him her whole life. I was getting a bit concerned that my girl was getting a little too comfortable with strangers. Coming home that night, I found Mouch asleep on my recliner and Platt coming out of Belle's nursery.

"She's sleeping like a baby in there. Hasn't made a peep. I'll wake the bear and we'll get out of here. The tip pan out?"

"Yeah. All good. I'm sure you will hear about it tomorrow. Thanks, Sarg."

"No problem. You know we've all got you."

I did know that. However, there is a flip side to that family thing. Sometimes family also tries to open your eyes to what is going on right in front of your face.

* * *

"Yo, Dawg. Can I say something?"

I was now sitting in a car with Atwater watching a store front waiting to see if our suspect was going to show up. We had been here for about two hours and so far, the outlook on that one was not looking good.

"Sure, Man. What's up?"

"Ummm….don't you think that maybe you should be setting some boundaries…for Kim…and yourself."

I slowly began to set the binoculars down that I had been looking through. I turned to look at Atwater. What in the hell was he talking about?

"Look, I'm just saying. She came to me trying to make sure that you weren't upset that she couldn't sit with Belle. She was worried that you would quit calling or that you would think she was on a date or something."

"Was she?"

"Does that matter?"

"No."

I could feel Kevin analyzing me at this point.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Well, I'm just thinking that maybe you need to lay that out. I'm your friend and your partner, but I also have that with her. I just don't want to see something blow up with you two again because you both like to ignore the obvious."

"What's the obvious?"

Kevin's big body almost shuddered with the big breath he took to speak the truth.

"That you both have history and that you could both quickly get emotionally invested in the other. Just possibly for very different reasons."

"I would never purposefully hurt her."

"I know that, but you did it before and so did she."

I turned away and looked back towards the store front. Part of me was hoping that the damn suspect would appear and give me something else to think about. I knew I was never that lucky.

"I hear you, Kev. I'll consider it."

"All I'm asking."

He, of course, said that like it was no great thing. It was harder than I thought. Knowing something in your head and then actually having to deal with it. Two completely different things. He was right. I was beginning to rely on Kim being there which wasn't fair. I needed to look at my situation and figure things out. For me and for Belle. I guess it only made sense for me to go and talk with my Pops. He had crossed this bridge and even if I didn't make his decision, I needed his advice. I just had no idea that he would actually be there to completely fix it. Turns out that my Pops had reached his number. He was done. Retirement with pension. He actually said he was going to call me to see if I wanted to give Belle a stable place to come when I was at work. Even offered to come to my place at night if I got called in late. My old man is the best. Plain and simple. He is the rock in my life that has allowed me to be who I am. He's never asked for anything else and I have no idea how I will ever be able to thank him enough.

Momma Atwater was so sad when I told her that Belle's last day would be in about a month, but she also gave me a huge bear hug when she found out why. "Good. She'll get plenty of grandparent spoiling then. She deserves it. You better still bring her around. I better not have to hunt you down." Oh Mamma Atwater would never have that problem. I knew better than that.

I knew I was going to have to talk to Kim. It had only been a couple days since I had talked with Kevin and I could see the look in his eyes after he had heard my news. I couldn't tell if he was happy with the moves I was making or what was going on with him.

Opportunity presented itself when I ran into Kim in the basement file room. She was pulling something and I was heading in to try and find a file in that archaic room. Mouse could not digitize this stuff fast enough for me. Kim looked up as I came in and the smile she gave me for a moment warmed me before I realized what I was going to have to do.

"Hey. I'm glad I ran into you."

"What's up? I hadn't heard from you for the last couple of days. Intelligence on vacation or something?"

"Nah. Just been getting stuff done during the day for a change. Look, I wasn't sure if you heard. My Pops is retiring."

"Yeah, I saw that in the newsletter. Tell him congrats. That's awesome. Is he looking forward to it or dreading it? Does he have any plans for all that free time?"

I could feel myself begin to look away, but I forced myself to look back to Kim. I needed to take all this in and I needed to make sure that she and I were going to be okay.

"He's looking forward to it. He's actually planning on being a full time babysitter. He's going to start taking Belle regularly."

I could see that Kim was processing what I was saying, so I just kept talking.

"I figure it's the best thing for everyone. I know that Belle will always have someone to watch her and she will be able to stay on a set schedule. It also lets everyone else start making plans without having to worry about me. Or what I might have going on. You know. Plan that outing or date or whatever."

There's a frown. Kim's frowning.

"Adam, none of us minded that. I loved staying with Belle. If you still need someone to sit with her at night…"

"No, my Dad said he would come over."

"Well, if he has plans or needs a night out."

"I'll keep that in mind. Look, I'll let you get back to pulling what you need. I believe my stuff is on the other side of this maze. I'll see you around."

I had to walk away. For some reason, Kim's disappointment hurt me just as much as it hurt her.


	13. Chapter 12

**AN:** Oh my lovelies! I am so excited about the timing on this chapter. Consider it my little treat for the Season 4 premiere tomorrow. Also, a celebration for me. Any Hawaii 5-o fans out there? #Cathisback has me so excited I could scream. If I got Burzek news like that, I would be doing the happy dance all over the place. You might actually get really happy stories out of me.

Well, I said I would comment about the song lyric for this chapter. You could kind of say that this song basically inspired this fic. It just plucked something in my heart when I heard it one night and this story just started to come together. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

I had a dream about a burning house  
You were stuck inside  
I couldn't get you out  
I lay beside you and pulled you close  
And the two of us went up in smoke

Love isn't all that it seems  
I did you wrong  
I'll stay here with you  
Until this dream is gone

"Burning House" - Cam

* * *

 **The Present  
**

At some point, you have to start looking forward. I mean not just talking the talk, but actually walking the walk. I had to stop looking back at everything Rachel and I had and start looking at what I wanted in my future. Did I really want to be alone? The answer to that one was no. I didn't want to watch Belle grow up without someone to share that with. But, I also knew that whoever that was going to be was going to be one amazing individual. I was not going to settle for just anyone. I knew that the person I was dating would influence my daughter. I'm not saying I've been on a dating spree. Hardly. I've been on a few at this point and they've all honestly been terrible. I am trying to see it as ripping a band aid off. It's going to hurt for a while but at some point… I'm going to find one that doesn't hurt so much.

I am following behind a running Belle. Well, I say running. She thinks she is running. Those 18 month old legs are pumping so hard for all the faster she is going. I should probably be grateful for these moments since I'm pretty sure soon she is going to be able to take off on me. Or maybe sooner than I thought.

"M!"

There she goes. She tries to get away from me, but I scoop her up and look towards the direction she was running. I see Kim and Atwater making their way in my direction. A bunch of us decided to meet up at the FOP picnic this year. The weather is good and for once we are all off. Not sure how that happened.

"Yo, Man! Antonio here yet?"

"Haven't seen him."

Kim was now taking a squirming Belle out of my arms. A smile couldn't help but come to my face to see Belle cuddling up to Kim. She might have been full of energy a minute ago, but now all she wants to do is be hugged by Kim.

The afternoon was full of food, games, and that feeling of family. We're all watching Antonio's kids play some of the carnival games as the day is winding down. I can see now that Belle is starting to hit that time where I'm going to have to get her home for her nap. She, of course, found her way to Kim so she could begin nodding off in her arms.

"Let me take her from you. I should be getting her home."

"How about I walk with you? That way she doesn't wake up."

"Ok. Sounds good. You sure you got her? She's gotten big."

Kim just smiled and started walking. I waved to everyone and jogged to keep up.

"So, how have things been going with you and Steve, right?"

Kim just looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"They went. Why?"

"I was just making conversation. You know. Asking about your life."

"Ok, well then how's things going with Stacy?"

"Um, that was over a month ago and we only went out twice."

"My point exactly."

I had to laugh. Leave it to Atwater to only hand out information in bits. I threw my hands up in defense.

"Ok, ok. Sorry. My bad. How's the new trainee? That better?"

Kim finally laughed and nodded.

"Yeah. Much better. Angela is good. So much better than Wreck it Ralph. I still can't believe he made it through."

"Only because of you. He actually might make a decent cop. Heard he got picked up for the mounted unit?"

"Yes, he did. As it turns out, he has been riding horses since he was a kid. He can drive as long as the vehicle is a mammal and has four legs."

Our conversation stayed light for the next four blocks till we were about three blocks from my building. I had seen the dark clouds starting to build, but had hoped that we would make it home before they decided to open up. So much for that. Belle immediately woke up as the rain started to pour down like monsoon season, so Kim and I ran for it. We made it to my building and stood under the awning for a second. We were all soaked to the bone and Kim went to hand Belle to me as she spoke.

"Ok, you guys head in. I guess I'll run for home."

"Are you kidding? That's crazy. It a spring rain. It'll be done in like thirty minutes. Come on up. I'll grab you some sweats or something and we can dry your clothes."

"You sure?"

"Kim, come on. I gotta get Belle out of these clothes."

I knew that would get her. She was being stubborn for Lord only knew what reason. No sense in her running through the city in this kind of weather. I knew Belle would get her to see reason.

We got upstairs and I left Kim in the kitchen as I took Belle back into her room. I quickly got her changed and once that was done she was more than ready for her nap. I laid her down and then went to get out of my clothes and to find Kim something to change into. I was walking back into the kitchen to find Kim trying to wring her shirt out in the kitchen sink. She was just standing there in her shorts and her bra like she was alone with no one to see her. I was frozen. Transfixed. I guess Kim heard my intake of breath or something. She turned towards me and immediately looked down.

"Sorry. I was starting to drip on your floor. You've seen it all before, right?"

I swallowed. Seen it. Sure. But, that was a long time ago. I slowly made my way to her to hand her a pair of my basketball shorts and a t-shirt I had found. Kim looked up at me and dropped her shirt in the sink.

"I'll go change in the bathroom. I'll be right back."

She walked past me and I just tried to breathe through whatever I was feeling. Who was I kidding? I knew exactly what I was feeling.

Turned on.

That's how I was feeling. It had been awhile. Yeah, it had been a long while. Sure, I had felt attracted to some of the women I had been on dates with, but not like this. No, this was the slapped in the face kind of turned on. I walked to the window and just watched the rain. I heard Kim re-enter the room and grab her shirt out of the kitchen sink. I knew that she would just throw her stuff in the dryer without asking. She knew her way around the place.

I felt more than saw her come to stand next to me. I realized that it had probably been about five minutes and I had not moved a muscle.

"Are you okay?"

No. I wasn't okay. I shouldn't look at her. I shouldn't.

I do it, anyway. How can I not? She's standing there in my clothes and every possessive tendency that had been kept under wraps for a very long time came over me.

I can see when she realizes it. We've been here before, so I know she knows. I can see her breath quicken and I can see that she is trying to make a decision. I wait because whatever happens. I don't want to make it alone.

Oh, to hell with that. I lean forward and take her face in my hand as I smash my lips to hers.

For a second, I think I've made a mistake and I can feel the voices in my head trying to get a hold of me. That is till I feel the sweet, wet, touch of her tongue on mine. Then I just lose my mind. I've got her pulled against me as flush as I can. I know where we are headed. I know it just as clear as I can taste the mixture of water, sweat, and Kim on my tongue as I'm kissing her neck. We're moving, stumbling towards something, but I'm not sure what. What was that? Crying. I'm hearing crying. I pull apart from her and that's when reality hits.

Belle's crying. Kim's lips are swollen and her hair is disheveled. I did that. I look down and my shirt is off somewhere. I run my fingers through my hair and I'm trying to gather my thoughts when I suddenly see Kim take off. Before I even have a chance to say a word, she has her purse and is out the door.

I'm left feeling like my whole world has tilted on its axis and I've got a screaming toddler.

Shit.

* * *

Post Note: Hmmmm...I wonder how many people are going to ask for the next chapter?


	14. Chapter 13

**AN:** Happy CPD day! Don't say that I never did anything for you. And now you know approximately when I was thinking of the prologue.

* * *

Something like a strong wind is coming over me  
It's got a hold of me, yeah  
Thinking and doing things I shouldn't be  
I really shouldn't be

Give it one more call  
It's one more "whatcha doin right now?"  
It's one more trip to my side of town and you walk right in  
One more here we go again

"Stay a Little Longer" – Brothers Osborne

* * *

 _The best part of my day currently is why I am standing in this doorway waiting. Waiting to see the most precious smile in the world. The whole reason I was still able to put one foot in front of the other after everything that happened. The reason that Kim ended up coming back into my life. I can hear Isabelle's light breathing and see her black hair that already completely covers her whole head. I can't see those stunning green eyes that she inherited from Rachel since she is still deep asleep. What I'm waiting for is what happens after those eyes open up. Her smile is what gives me hope. What makes me even think that I could love again, or open my heart to loving the one person that I never really stopped loving. That I could forgive her and myself._

* * *

Yeah, I told you all that. I'm still waiting. It's the morning a couple days after and I'm trying to figure things out. Kim won't return my calls. I knew she had the night shift last night and when I got called in I tried to talk to her, but she just dodged me. I have a decision to make. Do I continue to let her dodge me? Or do I tilt things in my favor? I don't want to do that unless I know what I want.

I know what I want. Am I really ready for that? Am I there, yet? I can remember the conversations that Rachel and I had about our exes and something occurs to me. I never got to the same place as Rachel. I never really wanted to cut Kim out of my life completely. Sure, I was okay with allowing us to exist in separate but connected lives. But move cities and say adios? I'm not sure that I was ever ready to say or do that. I fell out of love with her, but I always still loved her. I just made room in my heart to move on. The questions that I really needed to answer are far harder. Have I forgiven her? Yes. Can I forgive myself? That one isn't so easy. Do I really think going down this road again is a good idea? My brain would say no. My heart has a different opinion. I have a phone call to make. I can hear the person that I'm going to need answer as Isabelle's eyes open and that smile comes. I smile back and speak to my trump card, "I need a huge favor."

* * *

It's just after dinner time and I'm standing in front of Kim's door. I'm holding Belle in my arms and hoping my plan worked. I knew I couldn't use Atwater. Kim would see through that from a mile away. I was lucky that Erin decided that she wanted to take pity on me. She didn't ask many questions as to why I wanted Kim at her place at this time. She even offered to take Belle with her when I showed up. I told her that her taking Belle was kind of like going into a raid without body armor.

"Man, that bad. Ok. I'll have her there."

* * *

I finally knocked on the door and waited. I had to keep the smile from my face as I heard footsteps and laughing from behind the door. Erin had come through. Kim opened the door and the smile on her face froze.

"Adam. Um…what's up? I'm kind of busy. I've got company."

Erin walked up from behind Kim with a wine glass in hand.

"No problem. I was just leaving. Here, take the wine. I'm thinking the two of you need it more than me. Night."

Erin walked out the door without so much as a look back as Kim went to try and protest. Till, Belle did her thing.

"Kim!"

Kim's eyes rounded at this new development. The delivery was garbled in that toddler way, but you could still tell what she was saying.

"When did that start?"

"This afternoon. She kept asking for you." I was lying. I'm pretty sure Kim knew I was lying. I had been saying her name over and over again praying that Belle would get it. She had been getting close for a while now. I was just trying to speed up the process. I could see Kim side eyeing me.

"She has permission to come in."

"Well, since she and I are a package deal tonight I guess that means we will both be coming in."

Kim took a big gulp of that wine and walked into the apartment. Since she didn't slam the door, I assumed that I was in. I knew I was wrong for doing this, but I had said it before. I was done playing games. I could see that Kim was refilling her wine glass as I sat Belle down on the floor. Her eyes were scanning Kim's place and I knew she was looking at all the pretty curtains and the brick and just taking in all the colors. I figured she would go after the curtains to the kitchen if she had the chance, so I was keeping an eye on her. Kim walked in with another glass besides her own and handed it to me.

"You aren't driving, are you?"

"Nope. I walked."

"You carried her all this way?"

"I let her walk when she wanted to. Which was all of five steps."

"Hmmm."

Kim was sipping her wine and trying to avoid looking at me. She was focusing on Belle who had waddled her way over to her.

"Why did you leave?"

Kim began to stroke Belle's hair out of her eyes.

"She needs to get her hair cut. So she can see."

"Quit dodging me, Kim."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"I'm taking time. I would think you would need it."

"Oh?"

"I can't have this conversation right now."

"Why not?"

Kim looked down at Belle and then back at me. I could feel myself just smile and Belle just made my point for me by yawning.

"One of the nice things about having her on a set schedule with my Pops is that I know for a fact that she'll be asleep in about thirty to forty-five minutes. No matter where she is."

I took a sip of the wine she gave me finally and just waited. We both sat there in silence drinking our wine and keeping Belle entertained till she finally began to rub those eyes.

"Wouldn't she sleep better at home?"

"You are not getting rid of me, Kim. She'll be fine."

I set my wine glass down and picked up Belle and let her lay against my chest. Once she fully fell asleep I knew I could lay her down or leave if Kim truly didn't want to talk. I was taking a risk.

"Why did you leave?"

Kim was looking the other way and would not make eye contact with me.

"It was the look on your face. It was where we were. It was Belle crying. Maybe we should just forget it happened."

"I can't do that."

That brought Kim's eyes back to mine, so I could finally continue.

"When has that ever really worked for us? Huh? I don't recall that working before."

"Adam…"

"I'm serious. That doesn't work for me. It happened. Are you trying to tell me that you were going to stop me if we hadn't been interrupted?"

Kim stood up and began to walk towards the kitchen. I was pushing. I realized to a certain extent that wasn't fair without admitting something myself.

"I wasn't going to stop, Kim. I've never been able to with you. If things have changed for you, that's one thing."

Kim spun around. "Can you really say that you are ready? That's not what I saw on your face."

"Kim, I was thinking a lot of things in that moment. Guilt or whatever you think you saw was not one of them. I dealt with that during the first few dates I went on. But, I already know what Rachel's thoughts would be on that. I'm not asking for us to begin again. I'm asking for a second chance. I'm asking for dinner. Just dinner."

"It wouldn't be just dinner. You know that."

"It could be if that is what you need it to be."

"That would be a lie."

I stood and was able to keep Belle steady with her head resting on my shoulder.

"Then don't lie to yourself. We have history. I don't plan on repeating all of it."

"Are you sure you aren't just wanting company? We don't need to go down this road."

I laughed and then tried to compose myself at the absurdity of that question.

"Kim, if I was just looking for company I would not come to you. Not in a million years. You aren't the only one who is risking something here."

I could see it. She was caving.

"Are we crazy?"

I had her.

"I don't know. I don't really care. Saturday?"

Kim nodded her head. I smiled and lifted the backpack I had dumped earlier up off the floor.

"Ok, we'll leave you for now. Good night."

Kim walked me out and I swear that walk back to my apartment in the last moments of daylight was one of the best I had in a long time.

* * *

Post note: Here we go again!


	15. Chapter 14

**AN:** Well, This chapter is a bit short. I apologize. However, I can assure you that the next one will be longer and worth this short little tease. Hope you all had a great weekend!

* * *

Come on baby shoot a smile at me  
Midnight selfie on a balcony  
A little somethin' for my lock screen  
You're burnin' a hole in my pocket  
And we got the beat let's drop it

Those stars need to be wished on  
Your skin needs to be kissed on  
My eyes baby they're fixed on you in your snapback  
Tattoos, cutoffs and converse  
Singin' along to the song with the wrong words  
Every move you make baby it works in your snapback

"Snapback" – Old Dominion

* * *

 **The Present  
**

Jitters. Butterflies. Nerves. Feeling you are going to jump out of your skin, but in a good way. I don't care how you describe it, but that is what I was feeling. I felt like I had jumped off a ledge and was just waiting to see whether I was going to crash to the ground or learn to fly. I guess that it how you feel when you finally decide to take a path that any logical person would say was a bad idea, but you know in your heart is the right one for you.

As Saturday night approached, I could feel that excitement and anticipation build. Seeing that sparkle back in Kim's eyes when she would look at me. The stolen moments that we would grab to solidify our plans. It was all build up. I hadn't kissed her again. Not, yet. I wanted to, but I knew we needed to take this slow. I could feel that need in Kim. Just something in her reactions was telling me that she needed to feel this out. I was happy to give her some extra time. It was just building that feeling in me as well as her. I could see it in her eyes as Saturday got closer. It was worth putting off this dinner till then. Plus, it allowed me to make sure that Atwater would be available to babysit. I could have used my Dad, but I had an ulterior motive.

"No offense, Dawg, but why me?"

"You will be expecting me home at a certain time. You will ask questions when I get home. I want to be able to look you in the eye when I do."

"Ok, Man. Though I doubt you would have pulled an all nighter on your Dad."

"True. That would be weird."

* * *

It is now Saturday night and I'm sitting on the floor of the apartment watching Belle. If I thought I was excited before, I obviously forgot what truly looking forward to a date was like. My doorbell rings and I leave Belle on the floor fresh from her bath as she is playing with one of her noisier toys. Atwater walks in and groans.

"Really? You couldn't have pulled the batteries out?"

"Don't worry. You will only have to deal with it for another hour. Then it's bedtime."

Belle looked up at that word.

"No!"

"You also could have warned me that she was at that stage."

"Name a kid that isn't at that stage."

"True that. Ok, you ready? You nervous?"

"Shut up. Are you really okay with this? You're the one that kind of warned me off of this happening."

"No, I warned you not to get into a situation without knowing what you are doing. You both seem to be pretty aware. Now get out of here. You don't want to be late. Don't want to piss Kim off on your second first date."

Belle's head came up again and she dropped her toy to put her hands in the air.

"Kim!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going."

I was out the door and on the road as fast as I could go. Time was of the essence. Kim had insisted on meeting me at the restaurant. That is not a proper date. I figured I could compromise and meet her outside her building. I timed it perfectly. I had just walked up to her building when she stepped out the front door. She's always beautiful. She just really knows how to show that off when she wants to. She looks at me and just rolls her eyes.

"I said I would meet you."

"That is not a date."

"Maybe I was still considering this a dinner between friends. Not a date."

"Then why wear that dress?"

That gave her pause.

"Maybe I just wanted to look good."

"If that's all, then you really missed the mark, Darlin. You look amazing."

There it was. That smile. I missed that smile.

"Stop it. If you're here, let's go."

I held out my arm to her and she took it.

"If you are asking me to stop stating the obvious then you are going to be really disappointed."

I would be lying to say that the whole dinner went without a hitch. There were awkward moments and pauses, but they were far fewer than they would have been with anyone else. I walked her to her door and just waited. It was her turn. Were we doing this? I was hoping the smile that I still saw on her face was a good indication, but I had to be sure. She turned back to me after unlocking her door.

"Adam."

It was a soft question and a plea all at the same time. She placed her hand on my chest and then began to reach up on her toes. I could meet her half way. I most certainly could do that. This kiss felt like we were both finally on the same page. It wasn't about breaking down walls or relieving tension. It was about making a promise. I wasn't taking a single moment for granted this time. I wasn't going to let fear dictate what I decided to do with her in the future and I sure as hell wasn't going to try and make her happy without making sure that our decisions forward made us both happy. I would learn from my mistakes.

I pulled back from that kiss and just held Kim for a moment. I could see that Kim was trying to hold something in or just trying to hold it all together.

"What is it?"

A single tear began to make its way down her cheek and I brushed it away.

"I forgot how it felt to be with you. I really did not think it would feel this good."

"No, it was better. This is just the start. When we're good, Darlin we're on fire."

"It's the bad we've got to watch."

I brushed a strand of her hair out of her face and knew I couldn't avoid that.

"Yes. The bad…"

I didn't need to finish that. We both knew. Kim and I reached for each other this time and I tucked her head under my chin. As much as I wanted to stay in that moment, I needed to get home.

"I need to go."

"Give Belle a kiss for me."

"I will. Sleep tight."

I gave Kim one last slow kiss and then watched her go into her apartment. I made my way home and walked through the door. I was completely prepared to get the third degree. What I found was Atwater asleep on my couch with Belle sacked out on his chest. Once again, my little girl was getting away with way more than she should. I'm betting she got to stay up past bedtime tonight. I gently lifted her off of Atwater which caused him to wake up.

"Hey, man. All good? I'll head home."

"What? No questions."

"Naw. You good."

I held Belle to me and watched my friend go. His complete faith in us was encouraging and I knew it was something that I was probably going to need. As great as our first date was, I knew we still had a long way to go.

* * *

Post note: I'm sure I have just made you want more, but as I always warn... Be careful what you ask for. ;)


	16. Chapter 15

**AN:** Well, you can thank me being sick as a dog for this chapter being posted now. I will caveat this chapter with the reminder that it is from Adam's POV. So, keep that in mind. Also, shout out to CPDRuzekFan for being one of the most supportive reviewers...I may have pulled a thought from one of your reviews and used it in here. Hope you don't mind. :) Enjoy the chapter...or journey...I told you to be careful what you ask for...Dreams can giveth and Dreams can taketh...Oh just read. :)

* * *

Well, I wish I could say  
That I've never been here before  
But you know and I know  
That I'll always come back for more  
Your love might be my damnation  
But I'll cry to my grave

Fire away  
Take your best shot  
Show me what you got  
Honey, I'm not afraid  
Rear back and take aim  
And fire away

"Fire Away" – Chris Stapleton

* * *

 **The Present  
**

The Bad. Oh yeah. The bad. I had really hoped that the bad would take a while to rear its ugly head, but when you've got history…it likes to complicate things early. Or maybe I was just more adept at seeing it coming this time. I don't know.

Kim was off. No other way to describe it. She was over thinking something. I always knew when that was happening, but this time…I knew it could get ugly quick if I didn't address it. She had been quiet for most of our dinner and now we were on our way to her place and that hadn't changed. I pulled into a spot in front of her building and she barely waited for me as we got out of my truck. I followed her into the building and just tried to keep pace. She unlocked her door and turned around. I knew I would be getting the "routine" goodnight and I honestly was not having it.

"What's going on?"

Kim blinked with shock.

"W…what? Nothing."

"Yeah…Bullshit. You've been in another world all night. What's going on?"

"Adam, I'm fine. Really."

"The Kim I know talks a mile a minute when she is nervous or passionate about something. Quiet Kim scares me."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

There was anger there. I could hear it in each and every word of that sentence. Kim went and opened her door. She walked through it and then went to shut it behind her. I knew I was skating on thin ice, but my automatic reaction was to put my arm out to stop the door. I was not letting our night end on that angry statement. I walked into the apartment and shut the door behind me. Kim knew I had followed her. She had stopped half way into her living room and was just breathing.

"What did I do?"

That had her spinning around.

"Nothing. Everything. What the hell are we doing?!"

"The last I checked we were on our fourth date. Not sure that is what you mean though?"

Kim threw her purse on the coffee table and looked utterly frustrated.

"What makes us think that this time is going to work out?"

That very question made warning bells go off all over my mind. This was not Kim. Not really. Not without someone putting that little ear worm in her head.

"We might not, Darling. We might go up in flames. What are you really worried about?"

"I'm worried about history repeating itself. Why didn't you want to set a date the first time?"

I knew that she expected me to dodge that question. And I had a really good idea as to who she had been talking to. I had it narrowed down to two.

"Because you weren't ready. Not really."

Oh, that did not go over well. No, it didn't.

"Excuse me?!"

I placed my hands in my pockets because I just didn't know what else to do with them. I didn't want to cross my arms and close myself off to her.

"Babe, do you really want to talk about this?"

"Apparently, we need to if you thought I wasn't ready to set a date."

I took the breath I needed because this was it. I was going to have to lay it all out there.

"Ok, first. You wouldn't be worried about us "working out" if you weren't already in this. I love you and I know you love me."

Oh, yeah. That got her. There were the tears. They were brimming in her eyes and I couldn't focus on that. If we were going down this road and dealing with all this shit, then we were going to do it once.

"Second, I knew you weren't ready. Kim, a woman that is ready to get married would never entertain the idea to put off the wedding for over a year in the first place. She would never even bring that possibility up. Unless, you want to be honest with me now. Do you have something to tell me?"

I know. Not nice. Nice got me nowhere the first time. I was nice. I was considerate. I got dicked over. Kim's eyes had now let all those tears out. They were cascading down her cheeks, but she was still holding it together.

"Never mind. It doesn't matter. But that is the reason, Kim. I wanted you to slow down and really think about what you wanted. I wanted to understand when you started pushing as to why it was so important to you. I didn't want to set a date because I knew you were talking to everyone else but me about what you were feeling. That only confirmed for me that you were not ready. You know why? Because I did the same thing to Wendy. I talked to Al about my fears instead of her and I kept things from her. And look what happened there."

Kim looked away then. This is where I probably should have shut up, but I was doing this. I was going to open up every wound we had.

"I opened myself up to someone else. Someone amazing and beautiful and everything that I never knew that I needed and wanted. I opened myself up to you. When you started to go to other people… I stuck my head in the sand and told myself that you were not me. That was my biggest mistake. I should have pushed. I should have told you what I wanted immediately, but I thought you knew. My mistake. I can forgive you for being scared. I can even forgive you for moving on with Roman later. Because I understand it. Where is this fear coming from? If you can't tell me that right now, then we have no business even dragging all this crap up. We have no business even trying to go down this road. Because if you can't be honest with me…. Then what's the point?"

Kim was now in that stage of gasping for breath due to the crying. She didn't deserve this. Not really, but once she opened up that door in me…that fear. I couldn't hold it in.

"I love you, Kim. I love you so much. But I can't go through this again. This isn't just about me anymore. I loved Rachel. God help me I did, but not the way I loved you. I'd run through brick walls for you, but I can't do that anymore. I won't. Why don't you believe in me? In us?"

I waited for as long as I could. Kim just cried and I waited. Then it hit me. She hadn't been ready from the start. I pushed and it had blown up in my face. It was time to admit the truth. She might never be ready. I turned and walked to the door. I didn't wait to see if she would call for me. I left and went home. I felt like crap as I walked into my door and I knew I looked like it. My Pops stood up and came up to me. He just put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. He knew there were no words in that moment to make me feel better.

"She just went down. She won't know if you look in on her."

Leave it to my Pops to know what I needed. He left and I headed for Belle's nursery. The door was open, so I just leaned against the frame to watch her sleep. My heart hurt so much in that moment. I was sure that I was not going to recover this time. I was truly done putting myself out there. Then I heard a soft knock. If I had put the TV on, I probably would not have heard it.

I closed Belle's door till there was only a crack and I headed to answer the door. Opening it, I found Kim on my door mat with tear stains still on her cheeks. How in the world did she drive here?

"It was my sister. It wasn't Roman. I know you thought I talked to Roman. It wasn't him. I haven't talked with him in over a year. She wanted to know why I thought that things were going to change. Why I thought that you would be able to commit to me this time if you weren't even married to Rachel when she died carrying your child. They were valid questions and it just got me thinking how crazy this all is. I mean how can I think that you will want me to be around to raise Rachel's daughter with you. How can I think that you will want to commit to that. It occurs to me that I'm thinking an awful lot of myself if I think you could even want that with me. Or that you were even looking that far ahead. You're right. I jumped all the way there, because I never stopped loving you. I tried to move on. I really did. You said that you can't do this again if I don't believe in us. I do. I just don't always believe in myself. I get so wrapped up in what other people think and I get confused and I get worried because I love you and I don't want to lose you. I can't bear the thought of that pain again. I…"

I'd heard enough. She was rambling and she was letting out all the pent up stuff that had been in her. It was all I needed to hear. I had her back. I cut her off the only way I knew how. I kissed her and I didn't stop. I pulled her into the apartment and shut the door by pressing her back into it. I continued to kiss her neck as I was locking the deadbolt. I could feel her hands on my shirt unbuttoning each of the buttons. I pulled back and just ripped the rest of them open. I needed her hands on me. I needed to touch and feel every inch of her. I picked her up and pressed her back up against the door.  
"Bedroom."

God, I love the sound of her voice when she is that turned on. I prayed that Belle would continue to sleep through the noise of me bumping up against things as I made my way to the bedroom. I couldn't tell where I was going since Kim was keeping me actively distracted. I just knew that if my daughter decided to cry in that moment that I would go insane. I'd quickly come back to my senses and take care of her, but we would have a long discussion about what adult time was. Never mind. She didn't wake up. She didn't make a peep the whole night. Needless to say, waking up at 8AM after a very late night and not hearing a peep from Belle nearly made me fly out of the bed. Till I really listened. Giggling. I could just make out giggling. I threw on some shorts and made my way out into the living room. There was Kim on the floor with Belle. Belle kept handing her the fake plastic cell phone that my Pops had bought for her. Kim kept taking it and acting like she was answering it. Belle would smile and then start giggling.

"Good morning, ladies."

"Dada."

Belle began to run to me and Kim stood up from the floor. I scooped my daughter up and hugged her to me.

"Hey. She woke up about an hour ago. I figured I would let you sleep. We had breakfast already. You want me to make you anything?"

By now, I had already walked up to Kim. I leaned down and kissed her softly.

"I think I can find myself something."

"Is this okay? That I.."

I set Belle down on the floor as I headed into the kitchen. I knew that she would follow me or stay with Kim but continuing to be held would be out of the question. She was way too active now to tolerate that.

"Its fine. You can wake me up though."

"You sure?"

"Kim, it's great. I appreciate the extra sleep. You wore me out last night."

I smiled as I continued towards the kitchen. I knew Kim was blushing. I didn't even have to look.

* * *

Post note: You knew it couldn't be that bad, right? LOL!


	17. Chapter 16

**AN:** Happy CPD day! Really short chapter word count wise, but highly important. I could have attached it to the last one, but I just wasn't feeling it. Don't ask me why. Plus, it gave me an excuse to update again to celebrate Wednesday. Enjoy!

* * *

When I hear the sound of high tide thunder  
I can see your hair blowing in the breeze  
I think about how you and that twenty-one summer made a man of me  
Yeah you made a man of me

"21 Summer" – Brothers Osbourne

* * *

"Adam."

I was trying to feed dinner to Belle and she was slowly complying. Kim was still here. She hadn't left all day and I was glad that we were both off. I looked up to her as I was waiting for Belle to chew her food.

"I do love you."

"Good. Cause I love you too. What's up?"

Kim sat down on the bar stool at the kitchen island as she brushed Belle's hair out of her eyes while Belle continued to pick up her food with her fingers to eat it. Kim finally brought her eyes back to mine as she spoke.

"I've felt guilty. It was why I couldn't answer my sister's questions. I have so much guilt about being with you and everything that happened with Rachel."

"Why? I don't understand, Kim. You haven't done anything that should warrant that."

Kim looked down and then back at me.

"The two of you getting pregnant. It hurt me. It really did. You two had moved in together and then she was pregnant. You both were doing everything that I had dreamed of having with you. Everything that I had wanted. When Rachel died….I felt so bad. She was so nice to me even though she knew that I still loved you."

"What?"

Kim looked down and started to move her finger around on the counter following some pattern that I could not see.

"She knew. Saw right through me, but it didn't seem to bother her. She was so confident in your relationship and I was so jealous of that. Its why I couldn't answer my sister. How could I be that confident that you would want me when I basically would have been selfishly happy if the two of you didn't work out. But I never wanted all this. I'm not making sense. I don't deserve you, Adam. I don't deserve to be here."

I had to swallow at that. Swallow down all the hurt and pain that I heard in her and felt in myself.

"When I told Roman that it was okay and that he could have you….I didn't mean it. I was angry. I was hurt. I never wanted the two of you to work out, either. Didn't mean that I wanted him shot or for him to lose his career. None of that made me happy, Kim. Nor did I create that situation. It happened. Life happened. Kim, you had nothing to do with what happened to Rachel. I can understand the emotion. I can understand feeling guilty, but from me….you have no reason to feel that you don't deserve to be here. If you don't; then I sure as hell don't deserve to have you."

"It's more complicated than that, Adam. Belle…."

My daughter now looked right at Kim and smiled. She held out her piece of food to Kim in offer. Kim shook her head no and pointed back to Belle. Belle immediately ate what she had.

"She's your daughter and anyone that you decide to be with should deserve to be around her."

That statement suddenly made so much clear to me.

"Kim, Belle loves you. She has from the moment she met you. That alone makes you more than worthy."

"She loves everyone."

I had to shake my head and laugh at that. Kim was now looking at me like I was crazy.

"No, she doesn't. She can't stand my Mom. Keeping in mind, that is her grandmother. She loves my stepmother which is just going to go over great when Mom finds out. I'm hoping I can delay that for as long as possible. Shouldn't be too hard since they are never in the same room."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They hate each other which is beside the point. Kim, I have no question in my mind that you deserve to be in Belle's life. If I didn't believe that, I never would have let you sit with her, ever."

"Even after everything I just told you."

"Kim, I can't say that if you had a child with Roman that I would not have been insanely jealous. I have no idea if I could be a big enough person to care for that child. I'd like to think so, but I don't know. That didn't happen. What I do know is that you have shown me how much you care about Belle. Kim, you really do not know how much you show that you care without saying a word."

Even at that moment I knew that Kim didn't realize what she was doing. She was gently stroking Belle's hair and every few strokes Belle was looking up at Kim with that pure love that children possess.

"Ok. You said that you want me to be completely honest."

"I don't recall using the word completely, but sure."

"Our first date."

"Yeah. What about it?"

"I was supposed to go out with someone else that night."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Do you remember Clarke?"

"The firefighter turned doctor?"

"Yeah."

"Him?"

"Yeah. I cancelled."

Oh, that just made my day.

"Belle, sweetie. Did you just hear that? Your daddy has game."

Kim was now rolling her eyes.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you that."

Belle just blew a raspberry at me.

"That's right, Belle. Tell your Daddy that it isn't sexy to gloat."

"Sexy, huh?"

"Stop it."

I just smiled. Not in a million years.

* * *

 **Post note:** I just had to put Clarke in there. I am so loving the fact that he is back on Chicago Med. Was really sad when he left Fire. **  
**


	18. Chapter 17

**AN:** Ok, so you are all getting spoiled this week. Since, I've been home sick and can actually proofread a bit. Well, I'm not thinking that has been great since my head has been in a fog, but whatever. Anyway...Did I mention that I've basically finished this story? Yep, all done. I know where it ends and no I won't tell you how many chapters are left. That would take all the fun out of it. Once again, there has been a bit of a time jump with this chapter. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Every storm runs, runs out of rain  
Just like every dark night turns into day  
Every heartache will fade away  
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

"Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)" – Gary Allan

* * *

To say that Kim and I had aired most of our issues would be true to an extent. I knew that there were still some things that we were going to have to deal with. Things from our past as well as the present. We were both different people today than when we had dated before. It wasn't just in the obvious ways. I mean I was no longer the "Let's go to Molly's every night" type of guy, but the "Let's have dinner in so I can put my daughter to bed" guy. A lot can change in two years.

Kim had also changed. Though she still had some of her insecurities when it comes to us, her job was a completely different story. I think that after the shooting and dealing with all that scrutiny and then coming out the other side it made her stronger. She trusts her instincts and has become one of our best training officers. The shooting may have closed the door to Intelligence for her due to the publicity, but it opened another one that she was meant to take. Her patience and natural ability to nurture have made her an amazing teacher. I've watched her with the latest rookie who is a challenge in a whole different realm than Wreck it Ralph was. She transitioned her style without even blinking. Really amazing to watch.

Two years. Just wow. The little girl that I use to be able to easily carry in my arms is growing in leaps and bounds. Her energy level is unreal and I am constantly wishing that I could somehow tap into it. My Pops just laughs at that and tells me that payback is a bitch. I'm not sure, but I think he is telling me that she takes after me. I guess I have to admit to seeing more and more of that lately. Belle got a healthy dose of my personality which is on full display currently as she is basically the life of her own birthday party.

The party is different this year. Robert flew out for it and has been staying with me and Belle. Steve and the gang elected not to come this year. Robert said that they had their reasons which he would let me in on after the party. I'm a little nervous to hear why. He's been very happy this weekend. I've made a point of Facetiming with him regularly, so he can see Belle and keep in touch. Something has been different lately. I'm not sure what, but he seems lighter. The party has wound down now and Robert is putting some stray cups in the trash as I return to the kitchen after putting Belle down for her nap. I can see a small smile on his face as he is doing this mundane task.

"It was a good party, wasn't it?"

When Robert looks up he just nods to me before speaking.

"Yes, it was. I did have a question though."

"What's that, sir?"

"Robert. I've told you to call me that. Why hasn't Kim been staying here? I assume that is her shampoo in the bathroom and not yours. I doubt you use something that smells like coconut."

I had to smile. Not that I had been caught. Robert knew that Kim and I were dating. I guess I just had to laugh to think that he had assumed that she would be staying with us.

"Um…Kim has been working nights this week. I think she just didn't want to be waking me or Belle with that schedule. She normally stays at her place during this time."

"Ok, as long as she wasn't doing it on my account."

"No. Though I would be lying if I said the conversation didn't come up. She wanted to make sure that you would be comfortable no matter what her schedule was."

"That's nice of her. Will she be having dinner with us tonight? She said something about being off nights now."

"Yes, she will be."

"Good then I can ask her as well tonight."

"Ask what?"

"I'm renting a beach house down in Savannah next month. Steve and all the gang are renting one as well. I was hoping that you might consider bringing Belle down for a weekend at least. I was hoping to introduce her to someone. I want Kim to know that she is welcome as well."

"Oh, wow. Of course. I should be able to get the time off. Not sure about Kim. If you don't mind me asking, who is it that you want Belle to meet?"

I could see Robert's cheeks redden slightly which was not something you saw often.

"Um…I've met someone. Her name is Cora and I guess she means quite a bit to me. She's been good for me."

I could feel myself smile and my heart fill with a love that I never realized I had come to have for this man that was like a second father.

"That's awesome. This would make Rachel really happy. Belle and I would love to meet her."

Robert's eyes teared up slightly and he swallowed before speaking.

"I know she would be. Anyway. Steve and the gang wanted me to let you know that is why they are not here. They were hoping that if they didn't come to this that you would be forced to come next month. They want to have a party for Belle on the beach. You know that group. Any excuse to throw a party."

I laughed. Of course.

"Sounds like people I know."

* * *

The rest of Robert's trip went well and Kim promised him that she would see about getting the time off. Might be tricky since she would be towards the end of her current trainee's probation period. We dropped him off at the airport and headed back to the apartment. I knew I was going to have to talk with her about the trip. I was worried that she might be avoiding making a commitment on it till talking with me. We got in the door and I followed Kim as she carried a sleeping Belle into her room. Got to love cars and their magical powers to get kids to fall asleep. Perfect timing for nap time. Kim was so gentle with getting Belle settled and she seemed a bit startled to see me watching her from the doorway.

"Why are you staring?"

"You're just amazing. That's all. Robert really likes you. Loves how good you are with her."

"Really?"

"You think he would just invite anyone to the beach?"

I turned around and headed into the living room. I could feel Kim follow behind me after she had closed Belle's door part way. I sat down on the couch to relax and waited for Kim to join me. When she sat down, I knew she would tuck herself in next to me. That physical closeness and comfort level had come back quickly after our fight. I guess we had to just deal with things to get back to us.

"Are you really going to try and get off to come? You didn't just say that did you?"

Kim took a deep breath and I hugged her to me so I could let her know that I was supporting her. That I wanted her honest answer and not her everything is ok automatic response.

"I am going to try. I honestly do not know how I feel about it. I am nervous about being around her friends. It is just really complicated. Robert was just so nice and I guess I am having a hard time believing he is okay with all this."

I got it. I really did, but that didn't mean that I wasn't going to ask for what I wanted.

"I would really like for you to come. I know that Belle will want you there as well. Robert is amazing. He and Rachel had a very open and loving relationship. They talked a lot. He is not being nice as a front. It isn't in him. He really does like you. I think he is actually relieved. I think he was hoping that I would end up with someone like you. Someone that would actively want him to stay involved in not only Belle's life, but mine as well."

"What other option would there be? He's Belle's grandfather. Of course, he should be a huge part of her and your life."

I just smiled. Kim had no idea how amazing she was.

"Darling, not everyone would see that as something that was obvious. At least, not the part about my relationship with him."

Kim looked truly confused. I just pulled her to me and held her. I had such a new perspective on my relationship with Kim. So many things that I took for granted with her the first time around. I wasn't making that mistake, again. It also made me realize that I had something that I needed to make up for.

* * *

Post note: I am so interested to see what you all think Adam is going to do. Might not be what you think. ;)


	19. Chapter 18

**AN:** I am spoiling you guys this week. Way too much. Hope you enjoy the answer to the question from last chapter.

* * *

I light up the night and let it burn  
Lean back and watch the sundown fade  
Do what I do when life's a little sideways  
I take a sip and say a prayer  
Wait for a shooting star and stare  
Off at the headlights on the highway  
That guy in the windshield looking back looks just like me  
But there's a crack in the reflection  
This is just a moonlight soaked, ring of smoke  
Right hand on a cold one confession

"Confession" – Florida Georgia Line

* * *

Making up for past wrongs is one of the hardest things that I will ever do. I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop and praying that I did the right thing. She sounded agreeable on the phone, but as I was looking at my watch I was beginning to wonder. It was almost at the time of the meeting and she hadn't shown. Who is the she I am talking about? Kim's mom. Yeah. I went there. And now I am sweating through this button down shirt I am wearing, praying that she shows up. I look down at my cup of coffee and decide that anymore caffeine at this point would be a bad idea.

I hear the door to the front of the shop ding as someone is coming in, so I look up. Ok, now I am really in for it. Kim's Mom didn't just come alone. She brought back up in the form of Kim's sister and her niece Zoey. Well, this was going to be pleasant. Kim's Mom must have seen the deer in headlight look that I was probably sporting because I could see her send Kim's sister to the counter to get the coffee as she made her way towards me. When she finally turned back to me, she smiled a smile that I knew all too well. That was Kim's smile. The warm genuine not a single bad bone in her body smile. She made her way to me quickly and actually gave me a hug before taking the seat across from me.

"Adam, I'm so glad that I finally got to meet you. Kim has told me so much about you. I feel so lucky that I was in town when you called. Did Kim tell you that?"

"Um…no, ma'am. She did not. I wanted to apologize to you."

Kim's Mom waved me off.

"No need. It wasn't the right time."

"No, Ma'am. I was scared and I should have maned up and admitted that. I should have made that dinner."

The gentle look she gave me told me everything I needed to know about how Kim became the woman she was. The good parts anyway.

"I appreciate you saying that Adam. I know calling me could not have been easy."

"He should have met you the first time."

Kim's sister had made it to the table with coffee for her and her mother. A hot chocolate for Zoey.

"I'm glad to see that you at least pre-paid for my mother's coffee."

"Karin!"

"Ma'am, it's okay. I would have paid for you and Zoey as well if I had known you were coming. How's it going, Zoey?"

Zoey had grown quite a bit over the last several years. It was good to see that the girl was thriving after everything that had happened during the explosion.

"Good…"

The girl looked like she was going to say more, but thought better of it. The side look towards her mother told me that she knew she wasn't supposed to be this friendly with me.

"So, Adam, why did you want to see my mother? Why now? Why does it matter?"

"Karin!"

I reached across the table and squeezed her mother's hand.

"It matters because I know I made a mistake the first time. I know I can't change that. What I can do is try and be the type of man that Kim deserves. I know how important family is to her. I see it every day. I wanted to at least apologize and try to get to know her a little. She means the world to Kim which means that she means something to me."

That shut up Karin for a bit. That was all I could ask for. Kim's Mom took over from there and she continued to ask questions and would answer the ones I asked. She insisted on seeing a picture of Belle which just so happened to be the lock screen of my phone. Yeah, time changes a lot. The picture was actually of Kim holding her at the park. The smile on her mother's face just lit up the room.

"I love seeing her that happy. You're good for her."

"Mom!"

"He is. No couple is perfect, but your sister has been a different person these last few months. I know he is the difference. Now, I think there was more to this meeting than you are letting on, Adam. I'm going to have to leave soon to get to the airport. What is it?"

I took a deep breath. I was going about this completely different from the last time.

"I'm not planning any thing soon. I just wanted to let you know that I want to build a life with Kim. However, she will have me. We still have things to work through. I know that, but I just wanted to make sure that….if we do go down that road. I wanted to make sure that you knew that I love her so much. I…"

"Adam. I look forward to that. I have faith that it will work out for you both this time. My Kim tries to play that she is stronger than she is sometimes. Just know that is her protecting the sweetest heart. It's why her sister here is a bit frosty. Don't mind her."

Karin just rolled her eyes and Zoey tried to hide her giggle.

"Thank you, Ma'am."

I watched the three Burgess ladies leave and finally took a much needed breath. I had survived. Somehow, I had survived.

* * *

Walking into my apartment that afternoon, I did not expect to see Kim waiting for me. I thought my Pops would still be here. She got up from the sofa before speaking.

"Did you?"

Oh no. I guess Mom or Karin had spilled the beans.

"What do you think I did?"

"Did you really just have coffee with my mother and my sister?"

"Yes. How did you know?"

"Zoey texted me as they were headed to the airport. She said you were really cool and that she was excited to know that we were back together. Her Mom had not told her."

"Oh."

"Oh?! Adam, you met my mother."

"So?"

"You didn't think to tell me?"

"I was going to…after I actually did."

"How did you know she was in town?"

"I didn't till she told me. Are you mad at me?"

"No!"

"Ok. Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

Kim walked up and threw her arms around me. Then she was kissing me. If I had known this was the response I would get from doing this, I would have met her the first time. Shit, I would have paid for her plane ticket out. I crossed my fingers that Belle would make this nap last a bit longer.


	20. Chapter 19

**AN:** Well, Adam finally met the family, but don't think that it is all smooth sailing just yet. We only have a few more chapters after this one. Thank you all so much for the reviews and the follows! Also, for those of you that have commented on my new story I thank you as well! I get some pretty interesting ideas when I've been sick. I will post new chapters on the new story once I am done with this one. Check out the prologue for What Happens In when you get the chance. Happy Reading!

* * *

Embers in the ashtray glow  
Like memories that won't let go  
I'm out here trying to get 'em untangled  
In the darkness on the edge of town  
A little lost, a little found  
Waiting on a call from an angel

"Confession" – Florida Georgia Line

* * *

I was watching Kim sip her wine while sitting on the couch. I had just put Belle down for the evening and the apartment was quiet. I had things on my mind. I guess actually meeting Kim's mom and sister started me thinking. I know. Bad idea. But I had to know. It was one of the things that Kim and I had not discussed and I guess it was eating at me. I came around the back of the sofa and went to sit down as I saw Kim smile.

"She go down okay? Think she knows that she is going on an airplane tomorrow?"

"She went down fine. No, I don't think she knows. Kim, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

She looked so happy that I almost didn't want to ask my question, but I knew better than that. We had tried the whole letting sleeping dogs lie thing before and it had not worked.

"I guess meeting your Mom and your sister…what happened with your Dad? I understand being upset that he passed, but what sent you over the edge that night?"

I could see that light come out of Kim's eyes as my question registered with her. I could see her swallow another sip of that wine like it was a life line of some kind. I just waited. I wasn't going to push further, but I was going to let her know that I wanted to know.

"We had a big fight before he died."

"What about?"

"My decision to become a training officer. Platt had just told me that she was going to write my recommendation and try to speed up my selection. I was telling my Mom when my Dad overheard and ended up taking the phone from her. He had not been quiet about his feelings that I should be finding a different career path. He had never exactly been the most supportive when it came to me being a cop."

"I'm sorry."

"I told him I hated him. I told him that he was the worst father ever for not supporting me. That I wished he could be more like mom and realize that I was happy. I guess the shooting had scared him more than I realized."

"He just wanted you to be safe."

Kim just chuckled.

"It was more than that. My sister had always been daddy's girl and I was always closer with Mom. I guess it was just a personality thing. I don't know. Karin was always the ambitious, smart, go-getter. She always seemed to do everything right. I can remember Dad being so proud of her when she graduated from law school. I just don't ever recall him…acting that way with me. It was bad. We had been butting heads for a while. On numerous topics."

"Like what?"

I could see the look that Kim was giving me. I knew in that moment what the other topic was.

"I was the other thing."

"It wasn't just you. He hadn't liked the fact that you were a cop. Naturally, when I broke things off he liked to throw that back in my face. He didn't like Roman either till he found out that he couldn't be a cop anymore and was going to move to San Diego. He thought I should have gone with him. He brought up my lack of good judgement quite frequently."

Kim looked at me then. I could feel her eyes on me and knew she was waiting for me to look her in the eye.

"What my Dad didn't want to hear was the fact that I wasn't in love with Roman. After everything that had happened, I should have been jumping at the chance to go with him if I was. When he told me that he might be in love with me…I actually felt my heart sink. That isn't normal. I couldn't go. My path wasn't in that direction. My Dad didn't think that should matter."

"I'm amazed you didn't fight with your father sooner."

Kim sighed and then took another sip of her wine.

"I guess I had just learned not to talk with him if I was looking for reassurance. I would just talk with Mom. I always knew that I was really on the wrong path if my Mom also didn't agree. That night, I had really called Mom to ask for advice. Ryan and I had broken up two weeks prior and I just needed support that night. It didn't work that way. When Karin called me the next night and said that Dad had died of a heart attack. I don't know. I guess I just lost it."

"Did you not tell anyone?"

"No. Everyone was busy with something and I just wasn't ready to deal with it. My mistake. I should have gone home that night."

I took Kim's one hand since she was still holding her wine glass.

"I'm sorry, Adam."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You had been through a lot…."

"That's not what I mean. I'm sorry for not being a stronger person back when we were together. I'm sorry I wasn't more direct with you. That was one of the things that my Mom and I had talked about that night."

"Me?"

"Well, not just you. Some other things had happened with Ryan and something I did with you came up. You asked before…for me to admit. I tested you instead of talking with you. That was a mistake. I'm sorry. I never should have done that."

For some strange reason, that apology lifted something off of me. Something that not even I had realized was weighing on me.

"Thank you for that. I figured it out, but I was too late once I had. I guess we both had a lot to learn about how to actually be in a relationship."

Kim was nodding. She set her wine glass down and then leaned into me. I held her to me and just rocked her.

"I needed to learn more than that. I had to learn a lot about myself. How to be honest with myself about how I was feeling about things. I'm still learning."

I laughed. God, I knew what she meant.

"So, are you really ready for this trip?"

Kim looked up at me and sighed.

"I'm as ready as I will ever be. If you can face my Mom and my sister, I can do this."

I kissed the top of her head and hoped that I could be a source of strength for her during the weekend.

* * *

Post note: Ready for the beach everyone? :) Nothing could go wrong at the beach, right? ;)


	21. Chapter 20

**AN:** Well, It's time to enjoy the sun, the sand, the drama...Oops. Did I forget to mention that? ;) Happy Reading.

* * *

And it's sunshine, blue eyes, tan lines, slow tide rollin'  
White sand, cold can koozie in my hand just a summertime strollin'  
Chillin' breezin sippin singing whoaoaoh  
"Beachin'" – Jake Owen

* * *

Sun, sand, and good drinks. What more could a person ask for, right? Um….how about not having to take a plane to get there….with a toddler? Oh Lord! I'm pretty sure that Belle suddenly found her reserve tank of energy the second we got on that plane. I had been hopeful that having take off happen not long before nap time would be perfect timing. Dream on. That plane held a trapped audience that Belle just needed to meet. Why did she have to take after me? That girl did not want to sit down the whole flight. I was grateful that Kim was able to at least keep her entertained through the majority of the flight. I swear her carryon bag was a bottomless pit of stuff. Just when I thought she was done and I was going to have to get creative, Kim would pull something else out. Ugh. Thank God the flight attendants were cool. Helped that Kim was friends with one of them. She let Belle wander around the aisles till the pilots were ready to push away from the gate. Huge help. So when did my daughter finally decide to take her nap? Landing. Yeah. Thanks, Belle.

So naturally, Kim insisted on carrying her through the airport to allow me to deal with the luggage. When we reached baggage claim, I figured I would be on my own, but there was Robert waiting. With Cora. She was everything that I would have expected to see. Not so much in looks, but in her demeanor. She was confident and kind. It was obvious in how soft her look was when she looked back and forth between Robert and the three of us as we made our way to them. She was looking for confirmation. Robert took the lead and made his way up to me to give me a hug. Robert looked truly alive as he gave Kim a gentle hug so not to waken Belle. He kissed the top of Belle's head and then helped me grab our bags. The drive to the beach house took a bit longer than I was expecting. I had never heard of Tybee Island, but it was apparently where we were headed.

"I would have liked to have done this somewhere a bit quieter, but I figure we can always take Belle down the beach a bit. Away from all the noise."

I was confused. Till Robert let me in on the area.

"They allow alcohol on the beach, so just be prepared. We'll try and stay away from where the bars are. Oh, and if Steve offers to get you a slushie from Tybee Times….just say no. Everclear. All I will say."

I let out a whistle.

"That isn't your standard frozen drink."

"No, it isn't. If you don't want to nap your afternoon away….I'd stay away. I doubt your tolerance is what it probably use to be before Belle."

"I'll take your advice on that one."

When we arrived at the complex, I knew Robert had picked the perfect spot. The condo was on the third floor of the complex which would be a bit of a climb, but the place had two pools and was literally right on the beach. I could see some nearby restaurants, so we would have options for food. We were unloading the truck as Kim was getting Belle out of her car seat when I heard the greeting.

"Hell, yeah! Chicago is here! Where's Belle?"

I looked up and there was Steve and the whole crew heading our way. Kim came up beside me at that point with Belle in her arms and I could tell that she was trying to keep herself strong. I placed my hand on her back and rubbed it slightly as I answered back.

"That's right, we're here. Could you be any louder? I'm not sure all of Savannah heard you."

Steve just laughed. He came up and immediately swallowed me in a hug.

"Good to see you, Man. Holy crap. What are you feeding this girl? She has gotten big."

Steve ruffled Belle's hair and then he turned his attention to Kim.

"Hi, Kim. Good to see you."

Steve wrapped his one arm around Kim to keep from crushing Belle. I could see Kim relax some and then the rest of the group all began their greetings.

It was a good weekend. Belle sticking her feet in the ocean for the first time was great. At first it was like she didn't know what to make of it. All this moving water. Then it was nonstop fun when she realized that she could splash me and Kim as we tried to make sure she stayed up right. It was playing in the sand and holding her under the umbrella as she took her afternoon nap. It was me having to try and dodge Steve's obsession with Tybee Times and caving one time which ended with me taking a nap with Belle that afternoon. I think Kim was enjoying herself as well. She quickly became close with Cora as both women would take slow walks with Belle to find seashells while the rest of us men would take to playing cornhole or whatever activity had popped up. It was all going so well and had been anything but awkward. Till that one moment. Things could have gone all kinds of different ways.

We had all headed towards the pool since Belle had seemed to be less interested in the beach today. She was having none of the being held by anyone, and had been walking around for most of the day. I thought nothing of it when she began to run some on the concrete till she tripped. Ok, so that wasn't all that unusual either, but this time was different. Belle was usually quick to pick herself up and just keep going. She was always quite resilient. This time was probably the first time that the concrete had won a bit. As she turned over, I could see that this time it had hurt. In the skinned knees and hands kind of way. I saw the crocodile tears and then heard the wail. I started to make my way towards her, but what came out of her mouth stopped me in my tracks.

"Ma-ma!"

The whole group froze. Kim was off to my right with Cora and I realized quickly that Belle was reaching for her. Kim didn't even hesitate. She was there immediately. She scooped Belle up in her arms and just began to rock her. Kim looked back to me and I knew she was trying to tell me something with her eyes, but I was too shocked.

"I'll take her upstairs and clean her up."

Kim spun around and headed for the condo. Cora followed her and left me with Robert, Steve, and the rest. I could feel them. All the stares. Robert put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. I could hear him take a breath and he was about to speak, but Steve's voice was not something that was easily drowned out.

"What the hell, Man?"

"Steven.."

The warning in Robert's voice was appreciated, but I knew I was going to have to deal with this.

"Steve, if you have any feelings on what just happened. I don't care. My daughter knew what she wanted. She needs me right now, so if you will excuse me."

I headed for the condo. I really didn't care if Steve didn't like the fact that Belle had apparently decided that Kim was her mother. What I cared about was how she was doing now and how Kim was handling this. I got into the condo and found Cora feeding Belle ice cream as Kim was cleaning Belle up. Apparently, the distraction method was working since Belle was not crying despite Kim swiping the cuts with antiseptic.

"Hey. How's my brave girl?"

"Daddy!"

Belle reached out with her arms and Kim and Cora backed away. Kim was putting the supplies away as Cora excused herself and left me with the ice cream. I sat the bowl in the sink and hugged Belle to my chest. I watched Kim as she began to fiddle with the first aid bag's zipper.

"So when did that start?"

Kim finally looked up at me and she looked like she was being caught doing something wrong.

"It only happened once. It was a day that I got to the apartment before you. Your Dad was playing with her on the floor and when she saw me… She called me that. It was only the one time. Your Dad figures that she has been hearing the other kids at the playground calling their mothers. I don't know. I never encouraged that. I was going to tell you, but I figured it was a fluke since she hasn't said it again till now."

I took a deep breath and kept rubbing Belle's back.

"It took my breath away. I'll tell you that. You are the only mother figure she has known besides Kevin's mom. I told you that she loves you."

Kim looked down at that and then back up. She was trying to hide the love that she felt for Belle because she thought she was wrong to feel good about that.

"She doesn't know what it means."

"Yes, she does. She knows exactly what it means. If she picked it up on the playground, Kim. She knew that is what you are to her. Belle, whose ma-ma?"

Belle lifted her head up off my shoulder and turned in my arms before reaching for Kim. Kim's eyes immediately teared up and I walked to her, so I could hand Belle over. Once she was in Kim's arms, I wrapped my arms around the two of them.

"Kim, I love you. Yes, it hurt some to hear her call you that, but only because Belle will never get to know Rachel. However, you are her mother, if you want that."

I could feel Kim absolutely lose it at that point. I just held the two of them to me. Maybe all of this would seem to be happening too fast for some, but for me. It was the way it should be. It was right. As Kim was starting to calm down, Robert made his way into the room. Kim looked up and I could feel her stiffen in my arms. Robert's gentle eyes held a bit of sadness, but his actions spoke so much louder. He walked up to Kim and wrapped her and Belle in a hug. He began to whisper something into Kim's ear and she just nodded. He gave her one last squeeze and pulled back. They were both smiling and they then looked to me. They were okay. I knew I needed to go talk to someone.

I made my way down to the pool and the group just nodded towards the beach. I could tell that they were all doing ok. A bit raw I'm sure, but okay. I headed towards the beach and could see Steve sitting on the sand watching the waves as the sun was beginning to set. I sat down next to him and just waited. Steve took a swig from the whiskey bottle he was holding and then he passed it to me. I knew it was a peace offering so I took it. I handed the bottle back to him when I was done and that's when Steve finally spoke.

"I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't ready to really deal with reality. I know Rachel is gone and I know that it is natural for you to move on. I guess I just never really thought about how Belle would be doing that."

"Steve, Belle will always know that Rachel was her mother. I will tell her all about her. I show her a picture of her all the time, but you are right. Belle will consider Kim to be her mother. We are headed in that direction. I hope you can understand that."

Steve nodded to me.

"I like Kim. I really do. It's just that Rachel was like my little sister. It's hard to not want to protect what I felt was hers."

I just smile.

"Well, Belle will be lucky to have someone to come to when she has questions about what her mother was like. I can tell her some of it and Robert can tell her his side of things, but somehow I imagine you have some pretty good stories."

Steve began to laugh at that.

"Oh, man. I have stories that Rachel will be screaming down from above for me to keep to myself. That will be a fun day."

I slapped Steve on the back and got up.

"Come on, Man. We only have one day left. I really don't think you want to spend it out here."

Steve took the hand I offered and we both headed back to the group. We had a dinner to get to.

* * *

Post note: Well, I hate to tell you that you have one chapter and an epilogue to go. This Journey is almost to an end.


	22. Chapter 21

**AN:** Well, this last chapter and the epilogue to come is the cherry on top of a story that was such a joy to share with all of you. It has challenged me in so many ways and I am so grateful for all the support that has been sent my way. I truly had my doubts at times and I am glad that elected to continue to push on. I am beyond happy with how it turned out. Thank you again for all the comments, favorites, and follows! Happy Reading.

* * *

Well, it's ok. It's so nice  
It's just another day in paradise  
Well, there's no place that  
I'd rather be  
Well, it's two hearts  
And one dream  
I wouldn't trade it for anything  
And I ask the Lord every night  
For just another day in paradise

"Just Another Day in Paradise" – Phil Vassar

* * *

So the last two weeks have been quite hectic. What happens when you take several days off and then go back to work. I've felt like I haven't sat down since we all got back. However, this morning I am able to sit and drink coffee as Belle is playing on the ground next to me. Kim is still sleeping since she got in from her shift at about 2 am. I'm flipping through the for rent ads online when Kim stumbles in from the bedroom and leans over the back of the couch to wrap her arms around my neck. I can tell when she notes what I am looking at.

"Are you moving?"

I set my coffee down and turn just enough to look back at her.

"I was thinking that WE might be moving."

I could see that Kim was holding her breath like she was trying to see if this was real. I just smiled.

"Belle's getting older and I would really like for her to have an actual yard to play in. I also think it is time that you and I start things off on a clean slate. No, past hanging over us. Just the future. I know this won't sweep anything under the rug, but I think it would be nice to have a place to call ours."

I honestly thought that Kim was going to come leaping over the back of the couch, but she contained herself enough to walk around it. However, then she jumped into my lap and nearly pulled the laptop out of my hand.

"What's available? Have you favorited any? You said you want a yard, is there anything else that you really want? What do you think we should spend?"

I only half listened to the rest of her questions. I just wrapped my arms around her and let her browse while Belle completely oblivious to the events going on around her continued to play with her toys.

The house hunt was harder than I thought it would be, but at least this time we were both on the same page on what we were looking for and how much we wanted to spend. When we finally found the townhouse with the small yard in the back and an actual front porch, it was the right move. The actual moving…that was the production. I had no idea how many toys Belle had accumulated or clothes. That was something that had to be boxed up by age and stored. My father convinced me of that. I had said something to him about donating them and he just shook his head.

"You might want to hold on to those for a bit longer. Just in case."

"In case, what?"

"Adam, do you really think Belle is going to be the last child you have?"

"You do have a point there."

"Yes, I do."

Up to that point, I had not really thought about having a baby with Kim. I mean sure if you had asked me if we would have kids, I would have said yes. I just hadn't put more than two seconds of thought into it. Now, I was. And it was something that we needed to talk about. We were finally spending our first night in the new place and Kim was smiling as she was wiping down the kitchen counters after cleaning up dinner. I was wiping up Belle's face from the mess she made and I could sense Kim watching us. I looked over at her and knew this was the moment.  
"What are you smiling at?"

"I just love watching you. You're a great father."

"I love being a father. I wouldn't mind having more."

I could see Kim pause what she was doing and then look up at me. I had shocked her.

"What do you say? You ever want to have one of these?"

Kim was nodding her head yes before her mouth could catch up with her. In fact, I think she had lost the capacity to speak. I picked up Belle and carried her over to where Kim was standing. I kissed her softly and then pulled back. Her eyes were rounded and watering. I really should stop making this woman I love cry. I really should.

"I hope those are happy tears."

"Yes. Is this real? I feel like I am dreaming."

"No dream, Darlin."

"When?"

"When what?"

Kim just rolled her eyes and I chuckled.

"Why don't we just stop trying to stop nature and see what happens if that works for you?"

Oh, I really should watch what I say.

* * *

Post note: Just the epilogue/ last scene to go.


	23. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Live life with purpose and face your fears. Yep, Rachel taught me that. But, Kim and Belle taught me that, too. My girls keep teaching me that on a daily basis. They give me something to live and fight for every single day. They make days like today all the sweeter.

We are back at the FOP picnic and the scene is quite different than it has been in the past. Jay and Erin have finally decided to tie the knot after quite the rocky road. After all, having your father figure be Hank Voight is going to make for some bumps in the road. Then, you add Jay's past and that is just a mine field to deal with. It's nice to see them happy and together. Hell, even Atwater has a girl. Linda is good for him and he is one lucky bastard since Momma Atwater seems to like her. I would have felt for Kev if his Momma had decided that Linda did not meet standards.

I'm watching Belle turning cartwheels in the field and am beside myself. She is four. Four years old. Holy cow. Her long black hair is whipping around as she turns over and the big smile on her face shows how proud she is of herself. She has started an age appropriate gymnastics class that Kim had found. Let me tell you, she has loved every minute of it. I'm in so much trouble because she is going to scare the bejesus out of me before I know it. I bounce A.J. on my hip and yell my support to Belle.

Yeah. A.J. is my son. My spitting image with Kim's loving heart. Let's just say that the whole waiting for nature to decide when we would have kids didn't take as long as I thought it would. I had been fully prepared for it to take us a year or more to get pregnant. I mean all my friends talked about how long that seemed to take. Yeah. Nope. Apparently, I just have to look at Kim the wrong way. Which I guess I should take full advantage of since I can't get her any more pregnant than she already is.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Why?"

"I feel like a whale and not the least bit sexy."

"You're gorgeous."

"The glow is a myth."

"No, it's not. I love you."

The smile spreads across her face and she turns to me because she can't help it. The kiss she gives me is like they all are. Full of love and a promise for later.

"You two have got to stop that. What are you trying to do? End up with a soccer team?"

Antonio can't keep the straight face as he starts laughing.

"What are you guys having this time anyway? You were supposed to tell us already. Who's going to be outnumbered?"

I just smile and Kim points to me. Antonio really starts to laugh now.

"Oh, man. You and poor little A.J. Surrounded by women. Enjoy it, man."

"I will."

Oh, I will enjoy every minute of it. The amount of love in my life is unbelievable. I know that no matter what hard times come our way…my family will be here. Part of me will always love Rachel for that. For teaching me that I deserved to have this. That I was strong enough and brave enough to have this. Teaching me to go after what I want and fight to keep it. She lives on in our daughter. A girl that continues to push and love as fiercely as her mother did. I see Belle turn over for the last cartwheel before she comes running towards us. She runs straight for Kim and wraps her arms around her as best as she can. She pulls back and starts talking to Kim's stomach. It has been her new thing. Telling the baby about the family that she is getting ready to join. About how she is her big sister and that she will always take care of her. I imagine that I am going to have to remind her of this promise when she is 16 and her younger sister keeps wanting to tag along. I can't wait. But I think I'll just enjoy this moment. A.J. finally rests his head on my shoulder and grabs hold of the collar of my t-shirt. I look down and can see his eyes fighting to stay open, but it is a losing battle. I kiss the top of his head and his soft blonde hair tickles my nose. I look up and see Kim starting at me. I can see those happy tears in her eyes as a smile is spread across her face. I know she is thinking the same thing I am. That we love this journey that we are on. And that we never want it to stop.

* * *

Post note: Thank you all so much! I hope to see you all over at What Happens In... once I really get it going. I've been having fun over there. :) Thank you so much for all the support and kind words! You guys are the best!


	24. Epilogue 2

AN: So all of my stories mean something different to me. This one was the challenge and the one in some ways I am happiest with because of that challenge. Adam has been talking in my head a lot lately about this scene. I have no idea why since I had considered this story finished, but here it is. Hope you guys enjoy this treat. Adam's voice in my head insisted.

* * *

"Dad."

There are few words ever spoken that immediately melt my heart. Hearing Belle call me that still to this day makes my heart sing. Doesn't matter that she is now seventeen and I have to come to grips with reality and realize that she is not going to be living in this house for much longer. She'll be sending out college applications this fall and it scares the daylights out of me that she could end up half way across the country. Doubtful, but it could happen.

She is walking out of the back screen door as she was calling for me. I'm in the process of grilling chicken for dinner as she takes a seat on the wooden picnic table we have on the back deck. Spring in Chicago has been nice to us this year and I'm only wearing the lightest of jackets. My daughter on the other hand has on Uggs, a puffer vest and jeans. She got her mother's warm weather genes.

"'What's up?"

"Ummm...Natalie wanted to know if I could go with her to the mall after dinner. Is that okay?"

Hmmmm...this is not what she really wants. First off, Natalie is her best friend and they always go to the mall or shopping or bowling or whatever on Saturday nights after dinner. Why would this one be any different? Second, my beautiful daughter was absentmindedly braiding her hair, so she did not have to look at me. Bigger tell.

"Who are you meeting up with?"

"What?!"

"Belle, I'm your father. I'm not stupid. You never ask to go anywhere with Natalie. Who else is going that you want permission to see?"

Belle dropped her hair and bit her lip. Oh this is bad.

"Christian."

It was taking every ounce of muscle control I had to not smile. Christian was Natalie's cousin and Belle had the biggest crush on him. He was a good kid. Casey and Dawson's son. How could I be upset about her seeing him? Well, except that I was Dad and had to play the heavy.

"Are you guys just going to the mall?"

"Yes."

"You'll call if plans change?"

The groan out of my daughter was a laugh riot.

"Of course, Dad!"

"Alright. Anything else?"

I was flipping over some of the chicken and waiting for Belle's response. When I didn't get one, I looked up. Her eyes were serious and I could see that there was for sure something else. I watched as she took the biggest breath I had ever seen her take before she opened her mouth.

"Are we going to Savannah this summer?"

"Of course. We go every year."

"I don't want to."

Ok, that hit me right in the gut.

"What? Why?"

"I don't want to."

"Belle, that is not a reason. Your grandfather hosts that every year and looks forward to it. You are going."

Oh, hell. Here it comes. Belle's lips have fallen into a straight line and her eyes have gone hard. She was pissed and I knew the teenage venom was getting ready to come.

"I'm seventeen, Dad! I have a right to make some decisions about what I want to do with MY summer."

"True. Some. When it comes to family vacations? Specifically this one. You have no say. You will go. You will spend time with your grandfather and Uncle Steve."

I saw Belle's eyes dart away. Yep she hadn't thought this completely through. She loved Uncle Steve.

"You will go. That is final. Go help your brother and sister with the table. This is almost done."

Belle got off the table and I could see that she was still pissed. The girl was going to be lucky if I didn't take back my permission for her to go out tonight. As Belle was making her way inside the house, Kim was coming out. I saw the concerned look on her face as she made eye contact with Belle. I could tell that Belle had in her unspoken language with Kim told her Mom to leave it alone. Kim came up to me and handed me an empty plate to place all the chicken on. When the door to the house closed was when Kim spoke.

"What happened?"

"She says that she doesn't want to go to Savannah this summer."

Kim was wrapping her sweater around herself to help brace from the light breeze that was just picking up.

"And you told her that she had to. Did she say why she doesn't want to go?"

"Nope."

Kim's hand began to rub my back as I was turning the dials off on the grill.

"I'm sure she has a reason. She loves her grandfather."

"Well, it seems that is who she does not want to see."

"Are you sure it is really that?"

I was now taking a much needed deep breath. I looked down into Kim's concerned eyes and thanked every star in the heavens that I have her in my life. She is my rock and the one person that I know will always have my back.

"I don't know. I really don't this time."

Belle had gone through phases of questioning her relationship with her grandfather. I knew growing up it at times had been confusing for her. She had a grandfather that was not shared by her other siblings. Hard to understand, but I had thought that she was at an age by now that we were past it. Besides, Robert had always treated AJ, Ally, and Becca as if they were family. He always requested school pictures of them as well as Belle. Family is not only blood and I loved the fact that my kids were not only learning that from their extended cop family but from a man that in no way shape or form had to show that kind of love and devotion. Kim wrapped her arm around my waist and nudged me in the direction of the house. We walked in together and watched our kids setting the table. Belle was helping Becca into her booster seat. The surprise. A beautiful animated surprise. Belle began to braid Becca's blonde hair so she wouldn't get it messed up with dinner. At three years old, this had become a problem since Becca was far from the cleanest of eaters. She was also petite which was why she still needed the booster, but man the girl could make a mess. How that was possible? I have no idea. The laws of physics did not apply to my youngest daughter. Ally was just placing Becca's cup of water in front of her plate and she looked like she wasn't sure how this was going to go. It was a cup with a lid. Were weren't that adventurous, but Ally still did not look like she trusted it. At twelve, Ally was still in that awkward stage. She was changing every day and her brown hair and eyes made me think this was exactly what Kim must have looked like at her age. Kim moved past me to pat Ally on the shoulder. Ally had been the target of Becca's food several times. AJ came to me to take the plate in my hands. When in the hell did he get this tall? He was going to be taller than me. I could tell just looking at him at fifteen. His doctors had basically confirmed it last summer when he broke his leg playing baseball and they said that his growth plate was not even close to being done. 6'5" was their bet. That meant we would be continuing the buying of new clothes on the regular. Don't talk about the shoes. Not going there. I went to sit down at my usual seat at the same time that Belle did. She looked to me and I could still see that she was upset, but she forced a small smile. She would get over it. That was her sign to me. I hoped that was true.

* * *

It was Sunday evening when I finally got a clue as to what was going on with my daughter. Well, I shouldn't say it was me since I was not the one having the conversation. Listening in on Kim and my daughter talking is not something I have a habit of doing. Never know what might come up and I really do not want to hear Belle or any of my daughters talking about boys. However, this night was different for some reason. I was heading down the hallway to grab my boots for work since I was going to be meeting Kevin to relieve Jay and Erin from a stake out when I heard it.

"Mom."

This would be the other word that Belle speaks that just melts my heart and breaks it in two all at the same time. I thought that would change over the years. It didn't. I can hear that Kim is already in Belle's room so I assume that Belle was just trying to get her attention.

"Why do we have to go to Savannah every year?"

Here we go.

"It's tradition. Plus, It's a time for you to get to see your grandfather. Your Dad told me that you don't want to go. Why is that?"

I'm frozen in place. I literally can't move. I know I should probably give them their privacy, but I can't. I know that Belle will tell Kim. They have had the closest of relationships and even the teenage years had not derailed this.

"I just don't. I mean the beach is great and all. I..."

"Has your grandfather done something?"

"No! Nothing like that. I just...It just makes me remember that I'm supposed to be missing something that I don't really miss. I feel like I make him sad at times and then I feel bad even though I don't know what I did. I hate feeling like I'm different from AJ, Ally, and Becca. They're my family. You're my Mom. I don't have some other mother. I hate being reminded all the time that I do."

Broken. My heart is broken in a million little pieces and I have to cover my mouth to not make a sound. I can hear movement and I know that Kim is wrapping Belle up in her arms.

"Honey, do feel like you are betraying me by being close with your grandfather?"

There was no reply so I have no idea how Belle has responded to Kim.

"Well, you're not. I love you. I hope that you don't feel that I have loved you any differently than I have your siblings. Have I?"

"No."

That choked out answer told me that Belle was crying.

"Good. I love you, but you do have another mother. Belle, what do you know about her?"

"That she died having me and she was who Dad was with between when he was with you."

I could hear silence for a bit and I know Kim was waiting for the same thing I was. I was waiting for what else she knew. We had always made it a point to talk about Rachel and I knew Steve always told stories on our trips. It had just never occurred to me that Belle might not have been really listening.

"That's it?"

"I know you guys have talked about her. I just...that's all I remember."

"Do you want to know about her?"

"Not really."

"Why?"

I could hear Belle take a deep breath.

"Because I have you and I don't really see why having that information would make me feel anything but sad or indifferent. How does it really affect me at this point? She's not here. She's dead."

Ugh. I need to walk away. I need to not have my insides gutted before going out into the field.

"Maybe because knowing about her will make understanding who you are easier. Did you know she was an orthopedic surgeon?"

"What?!"

"Yeah. She worked at Chicago Med which is where your father met her. He was being an asshole as I recall."

"Dad?"

"Yep. You don't see him at work. He can be a real jerk."

Wait a minute. How in the world had this conversation turned to this.

"Why in the world did she end up going out with him then?"

Kim was now laughing.

"I imagine that she saw what I did. He has the biggest heart imaginable and is so full of life that you can't help but want to be around him. I knew her, you know?"

"You did?"

"Yep. We were friends. Kind of."

"Really?"

"She made your father happy, so yes. I could never dislike someone that could do that. She was an amazing person. I see so much of her in you. You look just like her which I think is why your grandfather gets sad sometimes. He sees her in you. When you talk about going into medicine... he hears her. It actually makes him happy, too. He just misses her. But you let him know that she isn't really gone."

"She was a surgeon?"

"Yes."

"Did she like country music?"

Ugh...something else Belle had inherited from her mother.

"Yes. A lot."

"Was she good at sports?"

"I don't know. I bet your grandfather and Steve would know."

She could run. I could tell you that. The sport thing...I didn't even know the answer to that one. I began to finish heading to the bed room and left the two of them to talk. I was just finishing tying my last boot when Kim came in the room.

"How much did you hear?"

I pushed my pant leg back in place and stood up before answering her.

"Most of it."

Kim crossed her arms and sighed. She looked as emotionally wrung out as I felt.

"She wants to go now. She has questions."

"Ok. You okay?"

Kim was nodding her head. I made my way up to her and wrapped her up in my arms.

"She liked you, too."

"What?"

"Rachel. She liked you. If it wasn't for me. You would have been close friends. She talked about that. It is one of the reasons that I know she would be relieved to know that you have been Belle's Mom. As she put it. Gotta love a strong female."

I could feel Kim chuckle against my chest.

"You do have good taste in women, Babe."

I rolled my eyes. My cue to get going before Atwater started to wonder where I was.

"I gotta go. I love you."

"I love you, too. Be safe. Watch out for each other."

I smiled, "We always do."

Time to go back to making Chicago a better place.


End file.
